Elect to Defer

BCS Title Match (38-38)

2012-01-09T19:28:00.000-05:00

Last game of the year, and I'm spending it like in typical fashion: at my college, using their internet to stream the game, drinking a moderate, but safe, amount, and lint-rolling cat fur off my winter jacket. It's January in Buffalo. I might need it soon.

LSU -2 1/2
vs. Alabama

Vivarin and Red Wine- It's Playoff Time! (rejected NFL playoff catchprase)

2012-01-07T16:33:00.000-05:00

Just want to get these on record before the games start.

Bengals
@ Texans -3
There were 3 drunk drivers on the way home last night. I suspect this game will resemble that drive home. A few moments of terror, but an overall sense of pity and sadness. I do hope that Texans RB Arian Foster has a great game; he's a genuinely curious person. He tried to bring up the Occupy movement on an NFL Pregame show, and got hushed down by dullards.

Lions
@ Saints -10.5

Legitimately excited for this game. May end up being the most exciting game of the postseason. The only way I'd be more pumped for this game would be if I found out that Bryan Batt and Wendell Pierce would duet the National Anthem.

Falcons
@ Giants -3

According to Football Outsiders, the Falcons were the most consistent team in the NFL this year, which seems wholly fitting. Their team mascot should be a guy in a nice shirt and tie at a desk, with pictures of his family holding fish in front of a river. The Giants on the other hand, are to quote Mitch Hedberg:"Fuckin' Chaos."Though, I believe he was referring to vending machines that sold vending machines. Tidbit: Victor Cruz is from Patterson, NJ, where my Dad works.

Steelers -8.5
@ Broncos

The best story in this one is that Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin benched his starting FS Ryan Clark because Clark has a rare genetic condition that puts him at serious risk in high-altitude locations. The last time they played in Denver, he couldn't play for weeks afterwards. It shouldn't be that big a deal that a coach refused to put a player's health in jeopardy for a game, but it is.

...

2011-12-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year's everyone! You're all my favorite people, mainly because you're reading this and thus, paying attention to me. Bless you.

If you'd like to know about one of the worst aspect of college sports, read this:

http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2011-12-15/news/bcs-college-football-bowl-scam/

I'll write more next year, when the stresses of academia, holidays, friends and family are lessened.

Bowl Season Pt. 2 (37-36)

2011-12-19T19:14:00.000-05:00

God finally answered my prayers! It's over! The nightmare that has plagued us as a people is over! I'm finally over .500 for the year! Some jerk died, too. Probably some other people as well. Statistically, it's probable. Nothing else to add. No one knows how this will play out in North Korea or on 30 Rock, and anyone who says they do know is either lying or is Tina Fey, in which case, tell her that her book is very funny.

Florida International -4
vs. Marshall

Texas Christian -10
vs. Louisiana Tech

Arizona State
vs. Boise State -14

Bowl Season!!!! (Part 1)

2011-12-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

Time is not our friend. It breaks our spirit, deteriorates friendships, buries loved ones, and in time, will kill everyone who's reading this, and most tragically, its author.

I'm probably just suffering from a bout of post-finals deflation, but remember where you were last Famous Idaho Potato Bowl? Recall how full of vigor you were, how you really had plans for life? Those went to heck, didn't they?

I know personally, I had some plans. Big ones. They were going to put you in all your places (good and bad places, I don't want to imply that I only wish malice on people).

Yeah, I had the whole scam cookin', then some crumb-bum sends me a letter saying they need my vaccination records, assuming, quite egotistically, that the doctors I go to keep records. No, no they do not. That's how evidence stacks up, bud.

So I try every trick in the book: bribes, counter-bribes, sexual favors, offers to "hang" sometime, everything, but the tomfools at the Erie County Community College don't seem to grasp a good deal when one is shouted at them by a man with anger control issues as he's being led away by some yokel who we all have to follow because he has some badge. Hey sheriff, guess how many songs there are about not shooting you? Yeah, exactly- now who's a scourge of the people?

I guess what I'm saying is that although nothing we ever wanted will at all come to pass, that our end destination is ashes, a pine box, or if you were especially unloved, a large pit out near Teaneck, NJ, we'll still have the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

Lines:

Temple -7
vs. Wyoming

Ohio
vs. Utah State -1

San Diego State -4 1/2
vs. Louisiana-Lafayette

Championship Week (31-34) We're All Champs!

2011-12-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

It's the last week of the regular season. After this, we've just got the bowl games, and that's it (not counting Army-Navy- if you do count that, congrats you're a better American than me).
Next week is also the start of finals for my school. It's when the library is not just for anti-socials and International students, as panicked hordes of bros and girls in pajamas try to cram a semester's worth of learning into 7 days. Best of luck to you on avoiding academic probation. Snow will begin falling daily, which will mean the denizens will alternate between moodiness and gorging.

Sweatshirts. My God, the sweatshirts....

Picks:

Ohio
vs. Northern Illinois -3 1/2

UCLA
@ Oregon -31

Southern Miss.
@ Houston -14

Texas
@ Baylor -3

Utah St. -14 1/2
@ New Mexico St.

CFB picks, Week 13 (28-32)

2011-11-25T15:54:00.000-05:00

A friend and I have been writing a TV pilot for NaNoWriMo. I won't give you the details of that, as among the millions of viewers this page gets, one of you might lack the ethics not to steal a clearly brilliant script.
Instead, let me regale you with ideas I've had that I've grown less enamored with, some over time, some instantly.

Idea: Master Blaster 2034

The year is 2034, in a world just like ours. Master Blaster is an accountant in accounts payable for a mid-sized toy company. His work life is an endless series of teasing and minor humiliations. At home, he cares for his parents, who have believed that every year will be the last before the apocalypse, and supports his brother, King Doom Blaster who spends his days working out, fully in belief that when society breaks down, he will seize control, despite his parents' belief that Master will be the chosen one.

Pick:
Cal
@ Arizona St. -6

Idea: Marooned 5

5 people are stranded when a suicidal pilot crashes his plane off the coast of Hawaii. As they try and stave off death, the Hawaiian government struggles to find room in the budget to send out a rescue team.

Pick:
Ohio St.
@ Michigan -7 1/2

Idea: All Hail Duke!

Duke Men's Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski realizes he is the most beloved and powerful human being in North Carolina. Naturally, he makes a power grab, violently destroying all other colleges, finally having Michael Jordan killed, and seizing the state government, where he learns that sometimes, the hardest thing to coach is how to do the right thing. (1/2 comedy on ABC Family)

Pick:

Duke
@ North Carolina -13

Idea: Profiles in Courage: America's Functional Alcoholics

A TV crew goes around this great nation, examining the bravery that America's alcoholics summon every day to just get through their jobs and families.

Pick:

Tennessee -7
@ Kentucky

Idea: Just Divorce Already!

Reality show that follows around a couple on the verge of divorce. Viewers vote each week on whether or not the sad hilarity of seeing two awful people be terrible to each other outweighs the tragedy of two people who used to love each other use casual cruelty to interact with each other, and by habit, their children. If a majority of viewers vote for the couple to divorce, they get to. If they vote for the couple to stay together, they are forced to.
There are no winners. Everyone's unhappy. There's a lot of crying.

Pick:
Texas Tech
@ Baylor -13

Week 12 CFB Picks (25-30)

2011-11-19T17:06:00.001-05:00

Let's talk about how fat I am. I know that I'm not really fat-fat, that there are way heftier people around me. I know that.

I'm so fat that the Rascal Scooter company informed me they do not produce a vehicle designed to transport my weight, and that if they could, they would sentence me to death for the crime of murdering the sex drive of everyone unfortunate enough to even glance at me.

I'm so fat I passed a chubby kid at Target, who immediately dropped to his knees, pointed at me, and screamed: "Noooo! Is that what I become?!" I would have said a few words to support him, but I had been walking for a minute, so I just stood, mouth agape, lungs and heart racing, praying for death to strike me at this moment.

I'm so fat that my picture is in the dictionary, under "Hey, look at this fat guy."

I'm so fat that doctors and scientists have stopped trying to label my condition, and have just been alternately shaming and laughing at me.

I'm so fat that I tried to buy cookies at the grocery store, and the clerk walked off the job, muttering "I can't be a part of this..."

But seriously, how fat am I? I think in a last-ditch attempt to feel young, I decided to embrace the "Freshman 15" that I never gained the first time I went to college. Then, I didn't have any friends to eat with, so I'd rush to the cafeteria at 6am or 4pm, right as it opened, ate my food really quickly while the place was still empty enough to sit alone, then rush out. It turns out that allowing yourself only about 5 minutes a day to eat is a good way to lose weight. No one embraces the "be a sad loser in your eating habits" approach to weight loss, probably because the purpose of getting in shape is so you can feel better about yourself and then people will like you, and you can be outgoing, charming, fall in love, and die happy, surrounded by loved ones that wouldn't be there if you were still disgustingly fat.

I have taken the road less traveled, and apparently embraced gluttony, cats, and solitude all semester. I think I'm going to spend this week off on a diet of caffeine pills and red wine (for my heart, of course). The overall plan will be to be as drunk and volatile as possible at all times, which will lead to me burning an insane amount of calories in a very short period of time, so I can have a perfect body, and thus be deserving of human love once again.

This is literally...the most rational series of thoughts in history. There is no potential for backfire.

Picks! I woke up at two, and tried to write this thing several times (yes, this was the best of all the ideas I had today), so all picks are from the 6pm EST games onward. You care about this!

Vanderbilt

@ Tennessee -1

LSU -32 1/2

@ Ole Miss

Western Kentucky -1 1/2

@ North Texas

USC

@ Oregon -15

Kansas St.

@ Texas - 7 1/2

No to this

2011-11-09T22:57:00.000-05:00

Seriously, fuck this. College Football is absolutely no fun this week (and if you have to ask why, I assure you, you do not want to know why), so I'm just going to put in some early no-effort and forget this week.

Kentucky
@Vanderbilt -13

North Texas
@ Troy -8

Michigan
@ Illinois PK

Washington
@ USC -11 1/2

Oregon
@ Stanford -3 1/2

To quote Mayor Quimby: "I need a drink and a shower."

Week 10 (21-24)

2011-11-05T12:09:00.000-04:00

I "found" a large box that's about 2 feet X 2 feet at school, and brought it home for my cats, expecting them to be fascinated with it, and perhaps learn tools and evolve, but they don't care for it at all.
That's pretty much how I feel about this week's games. I had a busy week, including a test where I over-thought and made a 16-point mistake.
I have a lot to write this weekend, and my parents are coming up for the Bills-Jets game tomorrow. Any energy I might have had for College Football is all being used to think of analysis for the movie "Marketa Lazarova." If you have 3 pages of thoughts, double-spaced, 12-font, on that, "The Last Wave," or "Black Orpheus," and would like to discuss those films, let's talk. Or you can just e-mail me your ideas, preferably in MS Word, Mac-compatible. Proper spacing would be a huge help, and please proofread. Sometimes editing plagiarized papers is barely easier than just writing it myself, and I don't need that burden right now.

Picks:

Texas Tech
@ Texas -14

Kansas
@ Iowa State -14

Texas A&M
@ Oklahoma -13 1/2

Stanford -20 1/2
@ Oregon State

LSU
@ Alabama -4 1/2

20-20 Week 9!!!

2011-10-29T21:01:00.002-04:00

In a car, driving to Rochester as I write this. It's snowing everywhere in NY except Buffalo/Rochester. There was nothing of importance this week, nor do I have anything to say in general. Dieting is awful. Let's all, as a people agree to stop limiting ourselves for the sake of vanity. We talk about expanding our minds logically, we should do the same to our bodies.

Bowling Green -3 1/2

@ Kent State

Oklahoma -13 1/2

@ Kansas State

Baylor

@ Oklahoma State -14

California -4 1/2

@ UCLA

Arizona

@ Washington -4

Insomnia is Awesome. I Wish I Had it All the Time.

2011-10-24T04:11:00.000-04:00

Has anyone ever gone through old e-mails and felt cheered up?

I was going through paper letters, wanting to start a letter-writing club amongst friends, which would lead to people eagerly checking the mail, ripping open envelopes, clutching handwritten notes in front of the mailbox. Then I remembered that I've burned a couple of letters in the past.

I suppose the main benefit to letter-writing is that if you fall out of favor with someone, it's more viscerally pleasurable to see their words engulfed in flames than just clicking a "delete" button.

Thankfully, I don't have class for another 11 hours. I hope by then I'm more concerned with contra-asset accounts than with the flammability of old letters. I bet the more emotion in a letter, the bluer the flame is.

Week 8 Picks (19-16)

2011-10-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

4-1 last week!

Yes, after a slow start, I have finally mastered this. I know, I know, hubris and all, but it's pretty clear that I have finally figured out how to permanently beat the system. Safe to say, things will never be the same.
Will this change me? No, no I've always been the type to violently wield his power and money around, I just didn't have any before. Since I will possess both in the very near future, I will be sporting and list the people who should most fear my scorn:

Personal Enemies
People Who Resemble Personal Enemies
People With Names Similar to Those of Personal Enemies
People Who Know More About a Topic I Care About Than Me
People Who Know More About a Topic I Don't Care About Than Me, But Talk About it in a Way That Implies That I'm Even More Ignorant For Not Caring

That's all for now. Yes, I do plan to be that petty.
What's that, imaginary person asking a fictional question that I will type out? How can one stay off those lists?
You cannot. It is too late. Sides have been taken, swords have been drawn, and kittens have been hoarded. I'm sorry. It has to be like this.
I mean, sure, it doesn't HAVE to be like this, what I really meant was, I would like it to be like this.

Ok, I know what you're saying..."Nick, you don't know where to bet on sports where you live since you're too much of a coward to seek out the seedier elements of society, and even if somehow you mustered up all the scraps in your kiddie-pool-deep well of courage and found someone to take your bets, we all know that you're a.) too cheap to bet any worthwhile amount of money and b.) gigantically deficient in the self-confidence necessary to make a living as a gambler.
Frankly, how you got this far in life, and we don't mean status, since you have none- we mean how you survived through this many years of life is a testament not to you, in no way are you to claim success for a sliver of your existence, no, it is strictly reflective of the generosity and benevolence of our society that you have not been ground up into D-grade rabbit food. You will never have influence, power, riches, or dignity. Be realistic."

Quite the speech. Well said. I have several refuting statements that I think will put you in your place:

1. Shut up.
2. Seriously.
3. Yes, yes, I know. All of that is true. Here's the thing. Reality is awful. My days consist mostly of being stone-faced while teenagers around me are disruptive/inattentive in class. My nights consist of studying super-remedial math while fighting the urge not to sneak a bottle of wine into the library. I've had a hacking cough for three weeks that makes me sound like I'm in a movie racing to save my daughter from terrorists before my lung cancer kills me. Last night, I almost burned down the apartment making cookies. I actually had to say to my roommate: "Nothing is currently on fire."
It was the type of incident that faded rock stars talk about on VH1 as the moment they knew they had to get sober. Tragically, I was sober, meaning that I've hit the rock-bottom of existence.
4. So let me have my delusions! My insanity and grandeur-filled vengetastic fantasies are the only thing that keeps me sane.

So here's this week's picks. I hope they're all wrong and we end up fighting over prime beggin' real estate in our inevitable hobo future, jerks!

Maryland
@ Florida State -18 1/2

Washington
@ Stanford -20

Central Michigan
@ Ball State -2 1/2

U. of Louisiana-Lafayette -3
@ Western Kentucky

Texas Tech
@ Oklahoma - 28 1/2

On the Bills (pt. 1)

2011-10-16T12:28:00.000-04:00

Picture an overweight, balding man or woman who works at a hospital, perhaps as a nurse's aid. (S)he drinks a little too much, smokes about a pack every 10 days, and lives in a small single apartment in a meh neighborhood with his/her dog, Grumbles.
About once a year, around the end of summer, Chris (let's just call him/her Chris from here on) gets a wild notion to give dating another shot. Maybe Chris goes on a practice date with a friend, and they have a good time. Chris sees an attractive person out jogging, and takes a deep breath, "Ok, we're going to do this again." Chris knows that deep down, he/she has some fundamental problems, but so does everyone, right?
Chris has one friend, let's call her Stereotypical Sassy Black Friend, and she says, "I don't know Chris, you've had a lot of bad luck in the past."
Adding "Mmm Hmm," because the writers for Chris's life aren't very good.
"Yeah, things haven't gone great, but..."
"Dante, Marshawn, Aaron, C.J.-"
"C.J. and I still talk, I mean, he's not-"

-Ok, this metaphor is obviously at its breaking point. Bills fans have had bad luck drafting early-round players, we haven't made the playoffs in a decade, and even that was scarred for us when our fan-favorite QB was benched for the 1st time all year, and the Titans scored on the "Music City Miracle." It's good to remember that in sports, one team's miracle is another's eternal damnation in the flames of Hell.

Head Coaches since then: Wade Phillips, Gregg Williams (We could've gotten Marvin Lewis, who hasn't been dynamite, but he took that Cincy team over when they were radioactive), Dick Jauron and now Chan Gailey.

QBs since then: Rob Johnson, Alex Van Pelt, Drew Bledsoe, Kelly Holcomb, J.P. Losman, Trent Edwards, and now Ryan Fitzpatrick.

We had high hopes for Drew, he really seemed like "the one," (his arrival in Buffalo was the only non-election story that I can recall to be covered live on all networks, aside from 9/11 and Bin Laden's capture. I think we'd all get closure if a tranquil Tuesday morning could be shattered with a breaking story about Bledsoe's wine company).

J.P. was kinda forced on us. His QB style was exciting, but dangerous, like doing meth once a month. Sure, there'll be some fun moments, but things would get real bad, real fast more often than not. We'd see Trent, stable, Stanford-educated Trent, and long for stability. Once we nestled in with him, though, we saw a guy who likes to stay in, watch "Old School" and cook pasta with canned sauce every weekend.
"Which. Is. Fine," you'd say through your teeth. "But maybe something that isn't a 5-yard checkdown?"
Ok, fine. We clung to Trent too long. All the warning signs were there, and I don't know, maybe we just hoped he'd mature, but- ok, we're not going to do this. We're with Ryan now, and things are going well. Even though his contract is up after this year, we'd like it if he stuck around, assuming things stay the same.
Though, is he really the guy for us? He's bounced around a bit... I mean, it's just...hard. We still sell Trent Edwards jerseys in our supermarkets. Maybe we need more time.
We know that Bruce, Thurman, Andre, and Jim aren't coming back. But it'd be nice to be reminded of them again. Beating the Pats and the Eagles was fantastic. 4-1 is far beyond any expectations we had for this team. But we're like Chris, we've been single for a long time, maybe too long. Sure, we got close to getting hitched, real close, but we've been hurt too often. We've had a lot of bad hook-ups. It's hard to buy in. We'll go out together, maybe lock arms, but things are only going to get tougher from here on out. There's no Kansas City up ahead (2 against Miami and 1 against Denver, but those games still scare me, which may speak to how little faith I really have)
It's been a long time since we went this far with a team. We're still getting used to it. We're trying to be all-in, but the last time we got really far with a team, they got blown out by Pittsburgh's backups the last game of the year. We'll keep some stuff at your place, and go from there. Let's take it week-by-week.

Week 7 Picks (15-15)

2011-10-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

This week's games are all conference matches, so the theme will be intra-family rivalries

Miami (OH) -3 1/2
@ Kent State

This is the classic nephew with a too-skinny wife sporting meth teeth, but they own a fairly successful second-hand clothing store a little south of Chapel Hill vs. uncle with a tragic past and a stack of current bills. He'll hit you up for money without being subtle. You'll give him a little. He's an ok guy.

Florida -2 1/2
@ Auburn

This is a great matchup. Two uncles who both have huge bank accounts but have each hit (mildly) rocky times lashing out at each other. Half the table is screamingly close to pointing out that they have it better than everyone else combined. The other half just wants to go home, eat a sleeve of Fig Newtons and forget about family for another year. Aunt Susan really wishes she had set out the steak knives. She wants to see blood.

Ohio St.
@ Illinois -3 1/2

Oklahoma St. -7
@ Texas

These games are the cousins who struck it rich in the bond market, showed off in a manner that can best be described as "cocaine-ostentatious" but then lost it all, and now does paperwork at the firm that bought out his company vs. the studious doctor of chemistry who just got her work mentioned in the Times.
She'll get pulled aside, "Don't say anything to Bruce-y, he's very ashamed of where he's at right now. Just know that we're all so proud of you." She'll go along, then at dinner, casually ask Bruce how come he's not wearing any jewelry this year, and inquire about a girlfriend who left him. She'll claim to not have heard. It will get ugly. There will be ignored cries of "We love both of you!" Old powers will get trampled.

LSU -17
@ Tennessee

This is two brothers, both quite athletic and competitive. Each Thanksgiving, they captain the teams of a flag football game that usually ends up getting physical. Except one brother broke his ankle this year. He will be mocked, and go along with it for a while, except after two much boxed-wine, he keys his brother's car. Just a little. He blames it on Eliza and Shaun's kid; the one with that never blinks and is always holding objects like they're guns.

CFB Week 6 Picks (3-2 last week, 13-12 overall)

2011-10-08T12:38:00.003-04:00

After a long trudge through the late summer of despair, we're back in the black! Though, you're probably paying a vig on these games, so if you're doing proper accounting of your gambling finances, you're likely still a smidge behind. No matter! What is money anyway?
If you didn't think that was a rhetorical question, money can be used to purchase goods and services.
For example, say you want meat, so you buy a deer. Seems easy, right, just use an Operant Conditioning method to get that deer to run a sewing machine, and you've started your own business. Then, the profits from that business can be used for purchases. It's so easy. The only thing that stops each American from running his (or her if you're reading this after 1940 and before 2155) own business is the excessive taxes that you'll pay when you inevitably become a billionaire.
That's not entirely true. Over the course of these picks, we'll go over 5 ways your business can struggle, thus delaying you from your first billion.

Illinois -14
@ Indiana

Your company needs a name. Which is tricky, since lots of the catchiest names turn out to be considered "offensive" later on or right away. Take Illinois, whose team name "Fighting Illini" which posits that the Illini people, and by extension, all Native Americans were brutes who knew only of battle. It's a demeaning name. Because if you look at American History, the Native Americans have lost. Bad. It puts the real victims- people who attend the University of Illinois. It ruins their self-esteem. How would you feel playing for a team called the "Duelin' Dukakises?" So, pick a pleasant name, one that will make your customers feel good about themselves, and not like they were defeated by the rejects of Europe.

Maryland
@ Georgia Tech -14 1/2

Follow the law. Maryland has, and they're a perfectly reasonably average team. Georgia Tech hasn't, and though they are far better, and will likely trounce Maryland and finish well ahead of them, the stigma will stay with them forever. It will tarnish their trophies, though not literally. Actually, if they kept quiet, I bet everyone would forget about it. Maybe the rules aren't worth following. If they keep you from getting ahead, isn't the laws by definition unconstitutional?

Florida
@LSU -13

Just as this game won't be close, and LSU will crush out all of UF's hopes and aspirations within seconds, the IRS can do the same to your company should you fail to maintain your Basic Overview Of Keeping Statistics (or BOOKS).
Obviously, you don't need to keep proper notation of assets, liabilities, etc. But, it keeps accountants in business, and the IRS is all accountants. Bitter, useless accountants, white-fistedly clinging to their one vestige of power, and when they see you, rich and happy, in great shape with perfect teeth, they just get so mad. Then they look at your books, and all they see is their best friend Natalie who they got along so well with, and was so pretty, not their was anything sexual of course, which was a mutual choice, though if she made a move, or gave any indication, yeah, sure, the accountant who certainly isn't a stand-in for anyone would've been more than open to it, sure until she ran off with some jerk to Maine. Like there's anything in Maine.
If your books aren't in order, they'll pick Natalie apart, and when they're done, she'll be a shell of the same woman. She'll be jealous, prone to moodiness and mild depression, need weeks, if not months of therapy, and probably lose a good deal in the looks department. That's when you've got to cut your losses and move on. You're not running a charity. This is business, Natalie. Business.

Ohio 8 1/2
@ Buffalo

This is what I mean by "business." You have to be willing to step on throats to get ahead. Not literally. Guh, that would be disturbing. Our leading industries would all be run by sociopaths who don't care at all about the common good.
All rambling aside, I'll root for UB, I may even go to this game, but this is money. This isn't about making friends.
Good thing too, I have not made one friend. Seriously, the silence in my life is louder than the wailing I do each night when I have to return home to an empty apartment devoid of love after a day of not relating to anyone and eating all my meals at a large table that ends up being used only by me.

Miami
@ Virginia Tech -7 1/2

The final lesson is not to let emotion sway override your business acumen. Re-read that last paragraph. Done? You're probably bawling right now, that was so well-written. Don't worry- I'm fine. I've got cats and booze, so human companionship is unnecessary. Still, anyone in a half-mile radius thinks you just got a terrible disease and transmitted it to everyone you love. If you were in charge of a business, who knows what you'd do. Maybe donate a lot of your profits to charity, give raises to your workers, or help them gain citizenship- who knows what irrational, irresponsible, irradiated thing you'd do.
Next time you see someone you care about, a person who you really connect with and who you understand and accept as much as they do you. Look at them. Really look in their eyes. Could you kill that person for a dollar? Turn off all your feelings, and really look in the darkest part of your soul.
No? Good. You passed. Your time and effort is worth way more than a dollar. You are ready for the world of business.

CFB Week 5 picks (Last Week: 1-4 (10-10 overall))

2011-10-01T12:23:00.001-04:00

So, if you were with me on week 1, you're doing great. If you stuck with me after that, well, sorry.

Pretty much we had a great first date, but now I've started treating you worse and worse.

I know. Starting today, things are going to change. People can change. I haven't ever, but surely you know someone who has. Just pretend that someone was me, and give me another chance. To make you money in an activity that is illegal in almost every civilized state.

Imagine as I pick you up on horseback, except it's a miniature horse, like Lil' Sebastian. We'll ride him to my Pontiac, which is just a block away, miniature horses don't have strong backs. Then, as you climb in, you'll notice a bouquet of dandelions and a note that says:

Texas Tech -6 1/2
@ Kansas

Next, we'll cruise around the safest suburb in the area, while you sip champagne. I know that's technically illegal, but you're worth it. Don't even worry about spilling it. The flute is made of plastic, and I bought the champagne at a steep discount.

Rutgers
@ Syracuse -1 1/2

I bet you're wondering where we're going. Red Lobster. Oh, you look disappointed- fear not. We're going to the good Red Lobster, on the other side of town. Yeah, gas is expensive, and my bank account is low, but I found a credit card on the street the other day. I was going to turn it in, but you deserve it more.

Auburn
@ South Carolina -10 1/2

I know I can't dress as fancy as you deserve, but I am wearing a tie. Clip on, it goes better with the T-shirt, which I should add, is freshly laundered. It is ripped, but minimally. Those sensors don't come off any other way.
Hey, I know you deserve a man who's wearing a button-down. When I lose all this weight and can re-fit back into my old ones, then I'll shine for you.

Alabama -4
@ Florida

Ok, so you had to bail me out for using a "stolen" credit card. Which I will fight. My cousin Jeff, took a few pre-law classes before he went to jail, and he says he reads most of the time now, so I'll get some advice from him. Don't worry, your friends are going to be so jealous when they hear about your exciting evening.
Hey, don't cry. When they were tasering me, I know that everyone was really looking at you. I just wish that somehow, I could fraud my way back into your heart. Maybe this will help:

New Mexico St. -1
@ New Mexico

Again, 2-3 Last Week Edition (9-6 overall)

2011-09-24T12:39:00.000-04:00

If you stuck with me the last two weeks, you lost money. But if you were with me in Week 1, and then left me for someone more handsome, you made out like a bandit. Because you profited and stole my heart, ability to feel joy, and hope for the world. Sharon.

Anyway, hobgoblin is the consistency to success or some such, so once again, a steady 2-3 last week because Penn St. and Houston's offense decided not to show up until after halftime, a strategy that led to wins, but I am still against.

On to this week, a college-themed edition. As is every week, yes, but this time personally so.

SMU -24
@ Memphis

Class Comparison: Macroeconomics

The content is terrible, no one wants to be there except for two overly enthusiastic people while the rest of us just want it to be done so we can leave without breaking societal codes. There're always walkouts within the first 30 minutes, and we judge yet applaud these brave few who do as we dare.

Basically, I don't like this class, and the only people who are going to enjoy this game will be the SMU players, and even then, the urge to just leave at the half will be powerful.

Bowling Green
@ Miami (OH) -4

Class Comparison:

Psychology 101

Way more excited about this class/game in theory than in reality. In theory, I would love to know more about the way we think, what influences us and how our behavior is shaped by forces we never consider. In reality, it's a 400-student class packed with teenagers who if they're not talking to their neighbor are talking to someone online. We're studying the actual physical makeup of the brain, which has told me nothing about how to exploit man's nature.
Similarly, if you burst in through the door, and said "I have two tickets to Bowling Green- Miami of Ohio and an invisible airplane outside, let's go!" I'd say "Yeah!" and we'd go, but when we got there, instead of seeing the game right away, we'd tour the facilities, inspect the grass, look at the various types of benches there were, all to allegedly more understand the game. Also, there's 400-person gang loudly typing or whispering every place we go.

Oklahoma St.
@ Texas A&M -4 1/2

Class Comparison: Great Directors in Film

I'm going to hold off on football for this one, mostly out of more ignorance than usual, but largely to say that if you've never seen "The Red Shoes," a movie based off the Hans Christian Anderson short story about a ballet company, you're missing out. I went into that expecting a two-hour slog, but it was fantastic. One of the better movies I've seen in a long time.

Oh, I guess this game will be pretty good too. Connection made.

Indiana -6
@ North Texas

Class Comparison: Super-Remedial Math (May not be actual course title)

Every time I go to this class, I dread it. I know I'm going to screw up, probably pretty bad, at something everyone else was doing their junior year of high school, if they hadn't already moved on from it.
I have a program that won't let me send e-mail after 11pm unless I answer a series of addition/subtraction problems, and even stone-sober, if I pass those riddles, I get excited. In class, once it starts, it's not that bad. I struggle, then get some right, and it's ok. I know that once it's over, I can eat food and relax a bit, and that it'll be ok. I just have to get that first problem right, and all of a sudden the exponents and square roots don't look so scary.

That's pretty much how I envision North Texas's practices going. Just a bunch of hangdog-expressioned visages trudging out to the field, with a set of coaches doing their best to be chipper at 5am. Then the QB completes a pass, everyone cheers, then another player makes a tackle, and they start thinking, this isn't so bad. By the end of practice, they walk out thinking, this is not so bad, actually. I think we may be getting this.

Note #1: I'll try to find video of this, but against Alabama, the North Texas QB was caught yelling a profanity as he noticed a 330-pound lineman rampaging unimpeded towards him. It was easily the most "Yep, that's what I would have done" moment of football I've ever seen.

Note #2: The smartest person in my math class always has blue nail polish on his fingernails. A male friend in college sometimes had painted toenails. I think I need to start painting my nails if I want to succeed. Correlation always equals causation.

LSU -6
@ West Virginia

Someone on twitter wrote that LSU students who had traveled to West Virginia a few days early (because, seriously, fuck academics) were rushing into classrooms and yelling "Tiger Bait!" Since the LSU mascot is a tiger, this is not something you wish to be.

Also, This could not be less distracting than the hoards of teenagers who are too dense to realize that for a lecture-hall class, you can just not show up, so they arrive, and behave like teenagers with that first tinge of freedom, and our instructor has to ask for quiet every 20 minutes, and then stop class until students quit packing up with 5 minutes to go.

In closing, you kids get off my lawn; I've got to burn a couch there.

2-3 Last Week Edition (7-3 total)

2011-09-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

Ever take one of the "chemical dependency" tests and answer, "oh, fuck you, this question is absurd" as all your answers. That's mostly how I feel about last week. So, let's bury it, like an emotional issue or a pet rat that escaped from its cage one too many times.

Penn St. -7
@ Temple

Too big a talent gap to ignore, and I'd wager there being as many Penn St. fans at the game as there are Temple fans. Also, any Lion, even Nittany vs. an owl is a clear mismatch.

Michigan St.
@ Notre Dame - 4 1/2

Yeah, it's Notre Dame, and they've been pretty sad this year. But, it's at home, and Michigan St. has lost a lot of talent from last year, when it took a gutsy fake FG call to beat Notre Dame in overtime, at home. This year will go a lot better for the Irish. Well, this game in this year. Hey, at least no one's going to die this year, right?

Northwestern - 5 1/2
@ Army

Even Northwestern's backup could cover this spread. Which he hopefully will.

Houston -7
@ Louisiana Tech

Case Keenum is swell. I'm pretty sure La. Tech. could drop its football program and not a whole lot of people would raise a fuss.

Stanford -9 1/2
@ Arizona

One of these days Stanford will lose. Perhaps it will be soon, but with Arizona's top WR questionable, this is a good bet.

I have no wit this week. College is draining me. Not as much the classes, but the teenagers in my classes. I've turned into one of those people who've cursed the younger generation. I've seen an exceptional number of Koreans who look at facebook during class, which makes me think that Buffalo is South Korea's safety school.

NFL Playoffs and Miscellany

2011-09-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

The 1st week of the season means nothing. The '03 Patriots got shutout by the Bills Infinity-0 and still won the Super Bowl (capital letters means it's important!)

All my predictions stand, either due to laziness or conviction. Both are equally critical. Here's some more dumb forecasting, because I can't get enough of the sound of two hands typing.

MVP: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans- I just foresee Ingram not being all that stellar, and Brees carrying this team's shoddy defense to a great record that is eclipsed by Atlanta's steady, all-around quality.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: A.J. Green, WR, Cincinnati- This guy's just really good. I know Newton put up 400+ yards, but that won't happen again, and as Green figures out the offense better, he'll catch more and more.

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Washington- No one was better with less talent than Kerrigan at Purdue. Wait...has Washington made a solid long-term investment? No! I don't want to live in this world anymore!!! (shoots self in face, blows own jaw off, lives as mutant forever; Washington goes 5-11, all is well)

Playoffs:

Ist Round: Chargers over Jets, Steelers over Colts, Packers over Giants, Saints over Rams

2nd Round: Patriots over Steelers, Ravens over Chargers, Saints over Falcons, Packers over Eagles

Conference Championships: Patriots over Ravens, Packers over Saints

Super Bowl: Packers over Patriots

So, there you go, no need to play the season, your fates have been cast. Better luck next time, and speaking of luck, the team with the worst record, and thus, winner of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes is the Minnesota Vikings!

Unless it's the Colts. Lord, they were terrible last week. If the Colts get Luck, I vow to be angry for a long time. Like, days long. My cats will be tummy-rubless for at least 72 hours. Do you want that, Colts?

AFC East

2011-09-11T13:38:00.000-04:00

Patriots: 13-3

Hooray. Another year of New England excellence.

Jets: 10-6, Wild Card

Just barely. They won't be as good as they were last year, but they'll squeak out 10 wins.

Miami: 7-9

They have an easy schedule to start the year, and everyone's going to hop on their bandwagon, then watch it explode the 2nd half of the year.

Bills: 5-11

But an improved 5-11! Buffalo will look a lot better on defense, and a little worse on offense. Steve Johnson will go under 1,000 yards, Spiller will keep struggling, but the defense will keep them in most games.

If this preview was lackluster, I blame the jam band practicing < 100 feet behind me. They are really making it hard to keep on living. It could be a metaphor for the Bills' season, in which case, I'd better start drinking now, just to make sure that I can't remember this season 15 years from now. Better safe than sorry.

AFC East

2011-09-11T13:14:00.002-04:00

AFC North

2011-09-11T01:31:00.000-04:00

Ravens: 12-4

I have nothing to say about the Ravens except that they fleeced the Bills by getting Lee Evans for a 4th-rounder. The Bills GM should've just told people that they sent Lee to live with a nice family on a farm, where he could run around and catch deep passes all day from J.P. Losman, who lives on that same farm, and was in no way shot in the face behind the Bills' practice facility.

Steelers: 11-5 -Wild Card

Seems right. I'm tired. The Steelers will be good forever until their QB goes to jail.

Browns: 7-9

Next year, this team could be really good. This year, no. #expertanalysis

Bengals: 5-11

Carson Palmer deserves to be voted into the Fort Sensible Hall of Fame for essentially saying: "I have a lot of money, and I'm not going to let 300-pound glandular freaks pummel me for a terrible franchise anymore."

Andy Dalton, guess what you'll be doing this year! A.J. Green will be awesome, and no one will know.

AFC West

2011-09-11T01:16:00.000-04:00

Chargers: 10-6 AFC West Champions

Everyone is picking the Chargers to win this year, based solely on their talent level, and that their record wasn't insanely god-awful despite fucking up and being injured for all of last year.

No one in history has been more forgiving of another's flaws than sportswriters have been towards the Chargers. If any ladies (especially the Jewish gal from my remedial math class (not to be racist, but how did that happen)) would like to have that attitude towards me and my shortcomings, then I could be your everything, girl. My ever-expanding gut = the 2010 Chargers' special teams.

Note to all the freshmen/sophomores in my classes: nothing is more rebellious than having a 30-year old boyfriend. Anyway, Chargers.

Chiefs: 9-7

Everyone's favorite pre-season whipping boy. I haven't run across one person who's picking the Chiefs to cover against the Bills, which is about as bad a sign for your season as you can get.

Broncos: 6-10

If you asked any Broncos fan to describe the Josh McDaniels era it would go like this: http://www.youtube.com/user/Puddincomic#p/u/14/GT2cPb6AKxM

Tim Tebow is the 6 cents, and every other draft pick is the paperclip. But it's all over now. Someone competent is in charge. They could be a surprise team this year.

Raiders: 6-10

After losing in the Super Bowl to the Buccaneers back in I dont' care enough to look up the year, the Raiders should've just retired as a franchise. Nothing good has happened for them since then, and I'm pretty sure the trend will continue this year. Then again, their goal of being the fastest team with a losing record is within grasp. Believe in yourselves!

AFC South

2011-09-11T00:44:00.000-04:00

Fuck the AFC South. I'm picking the Colts, just out of spite and habit. If I were Curtis Painter, I'd be doing everything in my power to get Kerry Collins to start drinking/using racial slurs again.
Jacksonville cut their starting QB, so there goes that sleeper pick. Tennessee will be awful. In the future, watching Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker overthrow every receiver will cause a spike in disapproving torture from TN and FL residents, having been exposed to the NFL equivalent of waterboarding.
I have no faith in the Texans. They're the cousin who always owes money and brags about his hot girlfriend in Canada.

10-6, 8-8, 7-9, 4-12.

Those records were supposed to belong to the Colts, Jaguars, Texans, and Titans, but now, screw it, any record could apply to any team, and I'd be like, "yeah, seems right."

I'm sticking with the Colts out of a rare mixture of apathy and spite. Fuck this division. I can't wait for the Jets to brutalize the winner of this catastrophe in front of their own fans to start the playoffs.

CFB Picks Week 2

2011-09-09T16:53:00.000-04:00

5-0! 5-0! 5-0! 5-0!

Just to let you all know, I went 5-0 last week, an accomplishment that rivals anything in history, ever. Also, anything in the future. As well as everything happening in the present. Except for what Tom Yancey of Ralway, AL is doing. Man, that guy is incredible.

I'm on such a roll, I did all my homework this week. It was really dull, but I did it. I also aced my super-remedial math quiz. How incredible! What can't I do?

1. Real Math
2. Hover for more than 4 seconds
3. Hold a conversation for more than 6 minutes that isn't about cats or sports
4. Stand losing you
5. Not choke up a bit whenever the MGMT song "Time to Pretend" comes on, apparently
6. Think of a sixth thing I am unable to do

On to this week's picks...

FIU
@ Louisville -4

I'm all over Louisville on this one. Slathered. Drizzled. Layered.

I need a cold shower and a burrito.

NC State -1 1/2
@ Wake Forest

I don't know anything about either team, but Wake isn't usually good at football and NC State is usually mediocre. Gotta love that logic. People like me are why sports gambling is illegal in all civilized US states.
Anyway, I'm sticking to this pick, because I went 5-0 last week, if you hadn't heard. It's the talk in all the saloons.

California -6 1/2
@ Colorado

Colorado is the Iowa State of the Pac-12. California is usually ok. I'm being pretty mean this week, picking against teams that I think are terrible. Nothing personal. This is strictly business. Unless you are UConn. Fuck UConn. (Buffalo plays UConn in two weeks.)

Stanford -20 1/2
@Duke

I'm pretty sure Stanford could play only 8 guys at once and still cover this spread.

I really want the Bills to get Stanford QB Andrew Luck .

Andrew, if you're reading this, force your way to Buffalo and you'll get free massages for ife. I've been called "hands-y," so you know I'm good.

TCU -1
@ Air Force

This is too easy. TCU will crush Air Force, like a sad 30-year-old alcoholic crushing a beer can as he looks at facebook pictures of his ex with some other guy who looks like a jerk with his visible muscles and straight, white teeth.

I have to go. Do something. That isn't hiding in my closet and muffling my sobs in a pillowcase dabbed with her perfume. That is something I don't need to go do.

NFC South

2011-09-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

A really stacked division. Your-mom-level stacked. But in a respectful way. As if Roosevelt said it. Naaman Roosevelt, Bills WR. He's classy as marble columns. No bad teams, though two teams will go 6-10. Such is life.

Falcons: 13-3, division winners

Expect a repeat of last year, with a playoff win. Maybe. I haven't decided yet. Not much to say, as it is late, and consistent quality is boring.

Saints: 12-4, wild-card

I really like this team. More so in the playoffs. It seems every year they lose a game they should win, and that will relegate them to wild-card status. They could be the Green Bay of this year. Particularly if the new CBA allows them to play home games in Wisconsin. I didn't read it; I'll assume it doesn't.

Buccaneers: 6-10

Still a team on the rise, but every climb has it's fall. That isn't true, but it sounds nice, and the Bucs will need some cheering up. They'll be in the playoffs next year. There's always a next year.

Panthers: 6-10

If Jimmy Clausen steps under center, all Panther fans should get a free burrito, and a Panther towel that roars when you muffle sobs in it. 3 years before this team is in the playoffs. Cam Newton will receive a slight media backlash in 2013 when he appears on the cover of ESPN the magazine holding puppies with boxing gloves. Luckily, he will be photoshopped as Asian, and ESPN will take most of the hit. I'll say it now, and I'll say it in the future: Cam Newton is a very handsome Asian man.

NFC North

2011-09-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

Green Bay- They suffered through a ton of injuries, and somehow won the Super Bowl, which is a lot like a chubby guy charming you into giving him a handjob in his '89 Toyota Carolla after his raw, stilted, yet vibrant poetry reading at the open mic night. I mean, it's a good investment? For the future? Anyway, Tyrell, if you're still doing readings without overusing the word "proletariat" anymore, I don't know, give me a call or something if you've lost 10 pounds.

Packers- 11-5, win the division

Bears- I have no idea what to think about this team. They'll regress a bit since good teams tend to do that with a 1st-place schedule, and the NFC North in general is a lot better this year, unless you're the Vikings.

Bears- 8-8. Sounds right

Detroit- Again, a confounding team. The defense could be magnificently cruel. Their offense is so injury-prone they shouldn't be allowed to eat the same foods, like pilot and co-pilot, or be in the same place, like POTUS and VP during an emergency. It would shock me only mildly if Calvin Johnson lost every ligament in his body making a catch late in the year. It will be brief, yet glorious, like our lives, a shimmering stone making a ripple in the pond of time, without impact except to the other stones that cradle us at the bottom, soothing the painful times between birth and death, and making the other hours worth being alive for. Detroit still misses the playoffs.

Lions: 8-8 All the world's a stage, and Nick Fairly and Ndamuknog Suh will be playing MacBeth and Lady MacBeth this season, meaning it is likely they will kill several people.

Vikings- Look away. This will be bad. This year will make Minnesotans look back fondly on the "sex-boat scandal" years and sigh wistfully. Adrian Peterson is going to listen to The Wall like he's a college freshman. They will win the Andrew Luck lottery, and trade the pick, so invested are they in Christian Ponder, who will never lead them to the playoffs. Cast out of Minnesota, unaccepted by L.A., they will roam the country, playing seasons in Portland, Vancouver, Des Moines, Omaha, and most humiliatingly, a season of all road games, before an incident that will lead to "The Jonestown Vikings" being the #1 fantasy football team name of 2018.

Vikings- 4-12, and may God have mercy on your souls.

CFB Season Picks

2011-09-02T01:27:00.000-04:00

I'm tired and still have economics homework, which, as far as homeworks go, is not ideal. This is strictly for my amusement, and mine alone. If you've read this far, turn back, you are wasting your lives!

ACC: Virginia Tech
Big East: West Virginia
Big 10: Nebraska
Big 12: Oklahoma St.
Conference USA: Houston
MAC: Toledo
Mountain West: Boise St.
Pac-12: Oregon
SEC: Alabama
Sun Belt: Troy
WAC: Hawaii

BCS National Championship: Alabama over Boise St.

Heisman Trophy: Kellen Moore, QB, Boise St.

Notre Dame won't make a BCS game, but will have a respectable year.
Boise will only make it because all the other conference winners will have at least one loss. #3 will be Oklahoma St., who will beat Oklahoma, but fall to another Big 12 school.
Oregon will beat Stanford, but fall to USC. Stanford will lose 2 games this year, though Andrew Luck will go #1 overall. Oregon and Stanford will rue the missed opportunity, as neither team may come close to winning it all again.

Breathe Deep, For the Air is Succulent and Bountiful

2011-09-02T01:13:00.000-04:00

Ah, College Football is back. The sport guaranteed to never have a labor issue, because *highly argumentative screed about CFB players and money redacted*

When College Football last played, I was a barely-functional alcoholic who had a tough time fitting into his pants, and lived with a cat who liked him, and a cat that tolerated him. Now, both kitties like me! Also, new pants. That is all.

I can't think of one good story during college football's off-season until today, when I saw that Eric LeGrand worked the Rutgers game, after standing for the first time this summer. Click on the link for his awful backstory, which I believe, with no evidence, influenced the NFL's kickoff rule changes (if you don't know, I won't bore you with the details) and Rutgers' Head Coach's awesome idea regarding kickoffs.

His recovery was a welcome oasis in a desert of scandal. But no one came here for depression. Everyone came here for faulty gambling advice that will lead to depression! I'm the middleman of sadness!

Northwestern
@ Boston College -3

B.C. isn't going to be swell this year. If Northwestern QB Persa plays at all, this is an easy pick. If he doesn't- a toss-up. I'm betting he shows up, and covers for the Wildcats.

Western Michigan
@ Michigan -14

I don't care about coaching changes, etc. It could be the year 3037, and I'd take this spread for the Wolverines.

Delaware
@ Navy -8

Tough to find a bookie to take action on this, but grab the Midshipmen, and hope you don't get knifed in an alley!

BYU -3
@ Ole Miss

Take the home dogs, as the SEC reigns supreme, and even if BYU is a little better on paper, in Mississippi, the field tilts. I'm not sure about this one, but the odds are good it'll pay off.

Tulsa
@ Oklahoma -25

Tulsa's best player just got arrested for felony embezzling, so go ahead and take the Sooners. Society's loss is our gain.

NFC West (I didn't want to write this, you shouldn't read it.)

2011-08-28T14:08:00.000-04:00

NFC West

Rams: 8-8 NFC West Champions

Whoo!!! Another year of a non-winning record division champion! Not under .500 this year. Baby steps, NFC West, baby steps.

Two years ago, the Rams were the worst team in the NFL, and were so awful that the Wikipedia entry for the ’09 Rams should be flagged as inappropriate viewing for all ages. Rwandans sent aid to the ’09 Rams. If the ’09 Rams were a Christmas present, they’d be a sweatshirt with a rat on it. Also, the rat is anti-Semitic.

Every member of the ’09 Rams is still in therapy for PTSD.

They were a bad football team.

That they came a game short of winning a division title last year illustrates parity in the league, and the value of a competent QB. Their defense was improved, but they’d be a 4-12 team with Kyle Boller, who really deserves an inspirational Chris Connelly story.

“Show me where on the defense you threw the ball to.”

“….”

“It’s ok…”

“….here.”

“There wasn’t even a receiver within 20 yards….”

“I…I know…oh God (sobbing)”

“It’s ok, you didn’t know what you were doing…”

“Then why was I out there? I was so afraid.”

Cut to Brian Billick getting arrested shirtless, screaming while Chris Hanson looks at him judgmentally, like he’s never tried to solicit sex from a minor before. Give up the charade Hanson, you’re only human!

Cardinals 6-10

Much as Moses led his followers in the desert for…I don’t know, a long while, Cardinals fans had to endure last season’s false prophets at QB before trading for Kevin Kolb, who as mediocre as he may end up being, will still be eons better than what came before. I don’t have anything else to say about the Arizona Cardinals.

San Francisco 6-10

The Bills of the west. That should enthuse me, but trying to think of a cogent thought about this team makes me want to grab a cat and cry into it.

Seattle 5-11

I’m walking away. This division is a train wreck, minus the spectacle.

NFC East Season Preview

2011-08-24T21:01:00.002-04:00

NFC East

Eagles: 11-5 - NFC East Champions

I know they’re the NFL’s all-star team this year, but Vick’s likely to miss a game or two, and I’m not sold on their line. That said, come playoff-time, they’ll be like that guy who was smart and vaguely handsome, but always was jowly due to his smoking pot and eating all the time, then quits, starts doing marathons and getting in great shape, but isn’t a dick about it, and for some reason is still single.

Anyway, Eagles win NFC East, and call me, Brad.

Giants: 10-6- Wild Card

You have to do one thing in the NFL better than anyone else to win. Sadly, for the Giants, that is injuring their own DBs. I haven’t checked ESPN or my math, but I believe they are on pace to lose 63 DBs to injury this year, a modern-era record.

Luckily for the Giants, I am unemployed due to the economy, which is why I had to steal so much from my last six employers. Let me run down some pros and cons of signing me to a deal (1-yr, $2M w/$430,000 signing bonus)

Pros: +1 in pro (high school) turnover-margin; gritty (white); under-recruited, chip already perched on my left shoulder; will only call Tom Coughlin a dick behind his dickish back.

Cons: not a team player, strictly me-first; very adverse to contact of any kind (even emotional); will likely spend halftime updating my “controversial” blog “Black People Who Like Jesus are the Worst Kind of Black People”; I participate in a technically-legal-yet-still-sleazy underground bald eagle fighting league; my bald eagle is in dead last, largely due to lax management; my body has been described as punter-esque.

Dallas: 7-9

If the Cowboys were really “America’s Team” they’d all have been downsized, and forced to take part-time jobs in the CFL. Tony Romo will take his rightful place as the next Troy Aikman by getting heavily concussed, but not before three teammates subtly (for football) imply that Jon Kitna should get some playing time.

Personal note to the University of Buffalo’s own Josh Thomas:

If you are any kind of man, you’ll do the honorable thing and blow out your own, and preferably a teammate’s ACL. You’ve got two, what’s the huge deal? If you’re not willing to do that, at least sell Rob Ryan on the fact that in Buffalo, being grotesquely obese is considered “trim.”

Washington: 5-11

If you’re a Washington fan, DTMFA. There will be a lot of 13-10 games this year, and your team will lose most of them. Just walk away. Get drunk and overeat, but without watching football. This will be a terrible year, and they won’t even lose poorly enough to get Andrew Luck. Just pack your things and go. We’ll tell you when Dan Snyder dies.

I Have An Observation.

2011-08-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

Every Rufus Wainwright song was written to be screamed at an ex while drunk on anything.

That is all. I'll return with sports-gibberish later.

Open Letter

2011-07-29T01:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Every Team in the NFL:

Hey, glad you're back. In the interest of concision, let's pretend I made a biting comment about millionaires and billionaires not being able to divide up money, even though anyone with a functioning cerebrum knows that if you and your co-workers had the chance to get an extra $200 a year or even a third-rate espresso machine in the break room, you'd pull your kids from school to hold picket-line signs like "Please Don't Let Them Execute My Daddy!" because subtlety has never been your strong point and that's why Timpson makes more than you. That and he's not more concerned with trying to impress Janet in Sales with jokes that every hack writer's hack flood-insurance-salesman-brother already came up with and told with more comic timing. Get back to work, fictional person, but first bring me a danish. I've been fictionally sticking to my diet all work, and in this fantasy, deserve a reward.
Anyway! You all want to win Super Bowls right? Well, here's what you do. Lose this year.
Every game. Lay down. Perhaps even literally. Do nothing to win a single game this year. Have an extended siesta time. Sign only players with a record of drug abuse. Encourage suspensions. Instead of practice, show and discuss The Wire.
Which is more important, winning some trivial games in a stadium whose funding could've built thousands of homes for low-income families, or coming to grips with the decay of the American city?
Once you've done all that, and alienated every fan who ever believed in you (they'll be back), draft Andrew Luck- QB from Stanford.
I would give a foot for Andrew Luck. Not one of mine but a close friend's. Assuming it never got traced back to me, of course. I must cling to those who tolerate me before I descend into old madness, emperor of my cats, who will be ranked by fluffiness, cuddliness, and the number of times they attack that boy down the street...the one with the odd ear.
Again, I digress. Unless you are Green Bay, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, or Atlanta, your QB has no chance of being, long-term, as good as Luck. To recap:

1. Lose Always.
2. Draft Andrew Luck
3. Bring Me Cats
4. Also, a Burrito, and $30,000 in Danish Krones.

The real thanks will come when you let me take a swim in your kiddie-pool of Super Bowl trophies (no kids, please).

Guhhh

2011-07-20T00:52:00.000-04:00

I'm having a salad for dinner in case anyone thinks men can't have body issues. Also, fuck this salad. If self-hate had a flavor, it'd be lettuce. Tomatoes would taste like lamenting the fact that I look like I work at a factory where they only produce socks, except my job is to sit in a chair and eat candy all day, since my co-workers are amused by watching me steadily gain weight.

I'm never throwing out my back again. SCIENCE FACT: Did you know the back is connected to every muscle in your body? It might not be true, but that's how it feels. You know you're in bad shape when sitting down is sends thunderbolts through your nerves, but not in an awesome way that would give you super-strength, unless my powers are going "Ah! Damn it! Ohhhhh..." then convincing myself not to drink a bottle of wine at 9am. I'm like the Batman of that.

I'm going to watch some videos of Bill Hicks screaming at his audience until I feel pleasant again.

Guh

2011-06-24T02:03:00.000-04:00

I threw out my lower back because I tried to work out too much. Lesson learned- I will never exercise again.
I also turn 30 in a week. Old age has jumped me in an alley and thrown a blanket party for one. Doing anything is painful.

P.S. Do not google "Hernia pictures." Do not.

The Draft of Nick Petrilli's injuries

2011-06-23T19:11:00.000-04:00

Rick Shays (malady expert): This is where dynasties are built. Toss out the notions that free-agency pickups are the way to go, you make an incomplete man-child through the draft.

Tom Coovin (broadcaster, his ACL tear went #2 in 1994): Rick, no doubt about it. The battle to make a person barely functional and borderline-detestable begin here. Now, this draft isn't the strongest, but in Nick Petrilli, you think there's some potential.

Rick: Ab-so-lu-tely. This guy is unemployed, may or may not go to college next fall, has gained 20 pounds since he left the Air Force, lives in one of the obesity capitals of the world, and wants to become an accountant. There's a lot of potential here, for people that draft smart. Hey, this is no Reggie Tydale of '08, but you can find some missing pieces here.

Tom: Now, this is strictly physical ailments, no insecurities, no lack of self-respects available here.

Rick: Right. Too bad too, 'cause this guy is a well of mental anguish. He-

Tom: Rick, I'm going to have to cut you off, we've got our first pick in!

1st pick: Bad Right Knee

Tom: Ok, as expected, the knee goes first. Rick, he injured this while drunk trying to hit a punching bag game in Korea. It sores up from time to time, but is this a good pick?

Rick: It's a SAFE pick. You know what you're getting. A few times a year, it's going to keep him from jogging. It's a solid addition, no surprises here.

2nd Pick: Lower Back Strain

Rick: Whoa!

Tom: My goodness! An injury just sustained last night goes #2 overall. I-I- Tom?

Rick: Well, this lower back strain has all the potential in the world. It's made him google hernias, has kept him from moving around a whole lot, but man...it's boom or bust. If he takes some ibuprofen and it's gone tomorrow, you've wasted your pick. BUT...if this is a serious ailment, it could be the best pick in the draft. LIFELONG POTENTIAL!

3rd Pick: Obesity

Tom: Wow. Again, a surprise pick at 3. He's not fat now, Rick, but explain this pick.

Rick: Again, an all-or-nothin' pick. Now, let's get this straight, he's struggled with chunkiness at times in his life, but out-and-out obesity is a long way off. How...ever, look at his background. The genetics are there, the childhood-long poor eating habits are there, he knows what he has to do to get it done...my only question Tom, does he want to be obese? I don't think he does. Too much shame. He won't let that happen. Bad pick.

Tom: Rick, some would say that his shame will act as a multiplier as he spirals into obesity. Fat leads to shame, leads to shame-eating, which will spring him into obesity. Let's not forget, he does live in Buffalo.

Rick: Tom, I hear those arguments, I understand that logic, but heh-heh, this ain't Margaret Ruloa of '04. Projecting obesity on someone who doesn't have the frame for it is like digging for silver in a sandbox. And I know about Buffalo, but hey, this. Is. America. Our standards are higher here, especially for obesity. Bad. Pick.

Tom: Our final pick is here, let's get the word in...

4th pick: Stomach ailments

Tom: Rick, a solid pick here, something he's battled for a long time, since he took about 3 painkillers a day in high school, dealing with football-related ankle injuries. What's your analysis?

Rick: Solid. Pick. Here. This WILL affect his life 'til the GRAVE, Tom. Good pick here, it won't ruin someone's life, but it could be the needle to make an ill-adjusted person into a full-on unemployable malcontent. This can really add to a non-champion.

Tom: Rick, what didn't get selected that you're surprised about?

Rick: Tom, I was stunned that Hearing Loss didn't get picked. It makes social situations awkward now, it's GOTTA lead to absolute shut-in tendencies later on in life, shocked- SHOCKED this didn't get picked. Sometimes I doubt that people are trying to build a human being incapable of dealing with the complexities and challenges of life.
Also, I really wish mental deficiencies were draft-able. This guy's insecurities, ego, and boundless sloth are OFF. THE. CHARTS.

Tom: That's all from this sparse, undecorated hovel of a room in a small 2-bedroom apartment. For Rick Shays, I'm Tom Coovin, see you next year!

Out of Order.

2011-06-12T23:24:00.000-04:00

I'm going to drink a bottle of German wine and speak German sentence fragments to the cats all night!

I also my break a finger and get a tattoo of the embodiment of my year-end goal. Here's to a tat of a 3.8 GPA on my tricep!

Think Over the Explanation For Your Actions, Rather Than the Actions Themselves

2011-05-27T00:57:00.000-04:00

Narrative is so crucial to the perception around you. If the Heat's Big Three had announced that they were joining forces because the NBA had changed, and you needed more than one great player to win a title, and Bosh and James had thrown themselves on the mercy of their respective "less-desirable" cities (or, better yet, if they had decided to play in Toronto, or especially Cleveland, where the funk of bitter sports defeat is tangible), if James had never done the decision, or if he had said before the show that he wasn't going back to Cleveland, thus not leading on a city that when it came to sports, had little else, they wouldn't be seen as quite the villains this season.
Does that matter? Certainly now, 4 games from their season-long goal, they'd say no. Aside from Wade, who retained his city-loyalty, I wonder (I have no proof) how this will affect Bosh and James.
Bosh was never going to be a Hall-of-Famer, nor was his jersey likely to shoot up the charts. His ceiling was probably 2nd-banana on a winning big-market city (Pau Gasol).
James, though....

James is the best of the three. He's also the one who gets his words dissected the most, largely because he's the most charismatic. There was a reason fans gravitated towards him aside from his on-court dominance in Cleveland. He seemed like a nice, mature 20-something, who was the best at his job, in a way that was inspiring and once-in-a-generation. He is the most physically-gifted player at his position since Wilt Chamberlain, the only difference is that big-man-dominance is like watching someone wilt away on their death-bed: painful, slogging, and just reminds you of your own shortcomings and mortality. Watching James play was like hearing a new favorite song. You didn't think about how you could never do what he was doing, it was just unfettered, pure joy which he radiated in his game, his demeanor, his seemingly boundless enthusiasm. He single-handedly got the Cavs to the Finals, which everyone has forgotten about. His best teammates were Mo Williams, Anderson Varejao, aged Antawn Jamison and more aged Shaquille O'Neal. I can't recall anyone doing more with less.

The Decision changed everything. Game 5 vs. Boston certainly helped, but I think time and re-signing would have paved over that. Had LeBron come out before and had a press conference saying that he was sorry to the fans, he loved them, Cleveland, etc., but just didn't think he could win in Cleveland (no need to elaborate, the media would've done that for him, and made a very convincing case), a lot of the vitriol would've died away (not doing that extravagant post-Decision celebration in Miami mentioning how many championships they were going to win certainly would have helped, too).

LeBron is going to be regarded as one of the all-time greats. He had the chance to be Jordan, Magic, or Bird. Had he stuck with Cleveland, he probably never would have won it all. The NBA has changed. No one man can win it. Kobe needed Gasol. Robinson needed Duncan. Duncan needed Parker/Ginobilli. Garnett, Pierce, and Allen all needed each other. Wade needed Shaq. The Cavs front office never got LeBron that 2nd player he needed to win. They threw aged veterans at the roster, hoping to hit gold, but never did.
If James stayed, he would've been "the best to have never won," stealing that crown away from Reggie, Ewing, Barkley, Dominique, and a cast he needed to avoid being lumped in with to be "King James."

What's left to see is if he can dig himself out of the hole he created, or embrace villainy and be the heel for a knight to someday slay.

Addendum: http://litandbasketball.tumblr.com/post/4199312153/to-reign-is-worth-ambition-though-in-hell-better

That says it best of all.

All Were Miserable, But I Made My Own Fun

2011-03-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

Today, while pretending to be a falcon, I said that "My talons could pierce through razors."

I think the above proves that I shouldn't be trusted with anything that isn't marshmallow in substance or shape.

Today: Good- Tomorrow: Psychotic

2011-03-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

I accomplished most of my tasks. I murdered no one, didn't drink, and only ate 908 calories (yes, I was very exact; I'll go lean or mad).

Sadly, I was too injured to exercise, but I did go for a 90+ minute walk. Doesn't count, but it was something. I did not totally finish my project, but I did more than she did, so at least I get to feel superior, and isn't that the real reason anyone does anything?

Calories: over/under: 1100

Historically, after a good day of dieting, I binge like someone who just entered rehab and is replacing meth with doughnuts. That there is still a bowl of Halloween candy in my living room is a constant threat.

Exercise: over/under: 15 minutes

I'm betting I'll still be sore, but maybe I can find something that doesn't require me to move my torso in any way. Sounds like another walk-around day.

Hours of living: over/under 23.59 hours (using base 60 math)

I really hope I get the over on this one.

Absent Blogger Returns With New Scam

2011-03-01T02:36:00.000-05:00

Just to quell all rumors, at the start, let me say: yes.

I'll elaborate. I was booted out of university (community college, but I like to pretend I'm fancy- it's why when folks are around, I'll eat canned peas with a fork, instead of more efficiently using my hands, the way GOD AND RACOONS INTENDED) for a boring and realistic reason: paperwork.

However, since this site is largely a conduit for me to project my fantastical delusions onto a largely non-existent and moonshine-addled audience, let's all pretend that it was due to me body-painting myself as a black-and-white cookie and running naked through campus to protest the de-facto (that means factual) segregation of Buffalo. It's tragic, the way America scorns its heroes. Even more galling is how its performance artists are treated. I don't care if you are the Dean of the Theatre and Dance School, whipping a Natty Ice can at me is not proper criticism!

Sure, I could sit here and just get drunk all day. It would literally solve all of my problems for me (I tend to drunk-hallucinate that the bottle is a life-coach/therapist/personal detective), chief amongst them, the problem of sobriety, a ram-horned demon that mankind has grappled with for generations. In fact, it will surprise no one that I have tried this approach, and it worked! So well, in fact, that I am eschewing (meaning you swallow food instead of taking the standard, path-most-traveled option of chewing) hollow, unrelenting alcohol abuse for when I have real problems.

For example, if my cats are ignoring me, or if a former paramour messages me at 3 am for a "sex-request." "U were always a terrible lover..." Hahaha! What delightful codes and languages we bedfellows have! Yes, I was everything you ever desired, but it's time to move on. There's no need to look back, because you'll never forget how perfect I was.

Self-improvement! That's the tack I'll take. Seems like a pointless prefix to this part, but one of my resolutions was to be more long-winded. Well done, me.* However, I will need your help, internet-spirits. See, just saying, I'll eat more vegetables, exercise more, swear less, not make hungry-cat noises and scratch loudly at my Indian neighbor's door (but what they're cooking smells so good- why can't I have any?!), hasn't worked. So my plan is to put betting lines out there about my behavior and the need to publicly document my behavior should keep me in line. I'll start small tonight, and hopefully I'll get better at this as we progress.

Calories consumed tomorrow- over/under is 1100.

If I eat well, I should hit the under on this. However, I do have a market run coming up. If this line holds up, that'll pay off at least once this week.

Drinks consumed tomorrow- over/under is .5.

There's no alcohol in the house. None. If this were heroin, it would be totally acceptable. It still is.

Exercise tomorrow- over/under is 10 minutes.

That isn't a lot. At all. But I pulled an ab muscle yesterday, and now the left side of my body is fire. It hurts to cough and laugh. Though, who can laugh with two wars and a brutal depression, right? What's that, audience of the George Lopez show? You dare to disagree with me? What we have here is a classic Shields-Novak showdown. Except in this case, only one of us is going to Hell.

Production- over/under is task 99% completed.

My screenwriting partner gave me an assignment, and if I complete it, I win! It's just that simple. Except that the assignment is really hard. I have to murder Ryan Reynolds.

Wait. I don't mind him. His breezy charm is likable enough. I suspect that this won't help flesh out our protagonist at all!

No, hold on, she meant the actor, not the electrician who fixed my transmission and taught me how to love (long story). Boy, that would've been a mess! I still shouldn't do it. Maybe I'll just stick to character development. Ok, I can fix this.

Murders- over/under is .5

I'll win at least one tomorrow.

Tune in tomorrow for the results! Or do something better!

*Thanks. Did you get a haircut?**

**Nope.

Hasty Super Bowl Post

2011-02-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

Steelers to cover, but Packers to win. MVP- Rodgers, though it pains me to shun U of Buffalo alum James Starks.

Take the under on the National Anthem and on the 6-second "Braaave." Same for mentions of Favre and the Lockout.

I can't think of any more prop bets. Shame...

NFL Picks: Expectations Met, the Summit Would Be Nice Edition

2011-01-23T14:41:00.000-05:00

None of the teams left have to look at this game as their last chance to win it all. All the teams have fairly young, talented (in Cutler and especially Sanchez's case, erratic) QBs, the most pivotal part of a Super Bowl team. The Bears defense is getting older, and the Jets are likely to take a sizable free agency hit, but all 4 teams should be back here, perhaps multiple times within the next 5 years. I'm 7-1 so far in the playoffs, let's hope the trend continues...

Green Bay -3 1/2
@ Chicago

It wouldn't shock me at all if GB won, perhaps even big, but that's too large a visiting-team spread to accept. I"m pulling for GB to win, though seeing surly Bears QB Jay Cutler go through two weeks of pointless pre-Super Bowl interviews would be amusing, like poking a coyote with a sharp stick for two weeks, hoping it won't maim you.

Jets
@ Steelers -4

Again, it wouldn't shock me if the Jets won, they beat Pittsburgh at Pittsburgh already this season, but I think the Jets' year of hijinks and tomfoolery sadly comes to an end this week.

Much as we'd all like to see Jets vs. Packers, and listen to two weeks of non-stop interviews with Rex Ryan, Charles Woodson reliving the "Tuck Rule" game, and of course, UB running back James Starks being crowned Super Bowl MVP, I am resigned to Bears vs. Steelers. On the plus side, Cutler vs. Roethlisberger for the title of "Least Popular QB" could be entertaining...

NFL Picks: I Am Made From Perfection, Inspiration, and a Dollop of Cadbury Cream Egg Goo

2011-01-14T13:33:00.000-05:00

4-0! 4-0! 4-0! (repeat until hoarse)

For the first time that I've been doing this, I nailed all my picks last week, and judging from your invective, I shouldn't be proud, because I've been doing this a while. Look, you can't be me or be in a sexual relationship with me, and I can imagine that is frustrating, but there's no need to take it out on your object of infatuation. But, as the post title indicates, I am a good man, so here's an offering of peace: a list of what I bought with my winnings:

cat-toy
bottle of Vodka, which I then donated to the local Boys & Girls Club
ruby walking-stick
glasses (for far-sightedness, which I don't have, but they were stylish)
Gravy Boat shaped like the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan, our most Reagan-esque president
sparrow burgers (3)
complete series of "Human Giant" on itunes
bottle of Children's Hope (I tried to smoke it so I'd re-believe in Santa, but it just made me not want to go to school in the morning, so no effect)

So, yeah, pretty great. But it's not all grilled fowl and catnip mice, let's review this week, and I'll show you.

Jets
@ Patriots -9

I play online scrabble with a friend who is way better at scrabble than me. Lately, though, I've been losing by less points. Occasionally, I've even won a game here and there. Sort of like the Jets, only the Jets still won't cover.

Ravens
@ Steelers -3

I haven't run a lot lately, since one of my big toes has a nasty cut that's still healing, and my other foot has three massive blisters from walking in the rain for 4 miles on New Year's Eve. Similar to how the Ravens offense won't be going on any long runs this game either.

Seahawks
@ Bears -10

While thinking of this game, I had an idea for a movie about someone who had to walk from Chicago to Seattle, and if he stopped, he exploded. It's like the movie "Speed" but with walking. So my screenwriting career isn't quite meteoric (meteors ascend, right?). Also, I'm not sure about this pick, so that's distressing to me.

Packers -2 1/2
@ Falcons

This really could go either way, so I'll just take the points. Much like when I saw two ramen-noodles I wanted. I took both, then after I ate one, I didn't rinse the bowl, so there was chicken flavor in my mushroom ramen. I'm history's fattest failure.

So you see, it's not all gemstones and tributes to the President who personally invented crack in a mis-guided attempt to kill off Yuppies (look it up), there are four things that are not beautiful about my life. I hope this helped.

Wild-Card Playoff Picks: You Can't Be Responsible Without the Ability to Respond Edition

2011-01-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

Jets
@ Colts -2 1/2

When you really have no idea who's going to cover, there's only one responsible thing to do: don't gamble. On the other hand, I have an addiction. And the only I'm going to get enough money to salve my compulsive need to help orphans is to irresponsibly gamble on sporting events.
Though, really, isn't all gambling responsible? You're taking on responsibility.

Saints -10
@ Seahawks

The Seahawks had their second Food/Beverage scandal this week: Will it be a distraction?
For those of you who aren't fans of clicking, a fan noticed that the 16-oz cups and the 20-oz cups being sold at Qwest Field held the same amount of liquid: 20 ounces. So, if you went to a Seahawks game and thought you only had 14 16-oz beers, you really had 17.375 16-oz beers, which depending on your body mass, could make you an unsafe driver.
The first scandal was rookie WR Golden Tate breaking into a doughnut shop because, well, he wanted doughnuts. You'd do the same thing.

Packers
@ Eagles -2 1/2

When our family had kittens, my brother and I would place a kitten on top of another, to try and get them to fight, so I just don't see what the whole fuss is about Micheal Vick. No, I don't want to hear any details, they'll just change my worldview. Packers to cover, Eagles to win.
Look out for: Packers RB James Starks, a University of Buffalo alum, and thus, the most compelling human being in the playoffs.
Ravens -3
@ Chiefs

A theory/ fervent belief of mine is that you can't move up too fast in the world. You can't be a food-runner at a 4th-rate Chili's and became a pulmonary surgeon the next day. You have to go through medical school first, apparently. You can't have a second patient die on the operating table without having the first. You can't be a shiftless ne'er-do-well getting a straight-C average in his Community College science classes and then get a job in military intelligence with a top-secret security clearance. Wait...no! No time for reflection!
The Chiefs have done great in going from one of the most moribund franchises to division-winner, but winning this game would be too much, too soon for them. I realize there are exceptions to this rule, and sometimes exceptions are the majority, but I'm entitled to my facts.

Die Already!

2010-12-27T21:06:00.000-05:00

Beijing seemed a bit off when I looked out at the landing strip and noticed that air can actually have a color. Still, no need to hold that against a country, and it's not as if airports are known to be epicenters of optimism and cheer; mostly we all just want to leave with some belief that people are not hopeless skin-bags of gelatin and lard who can't remember that you need a passport and the declaration card that was given to you in order to get through customs.
When I couldn't find the entrance to the subway in either of the two terminals I went to, it was simple to blame myself; I'm quite good at that. So I decided to get on a bus destined for "Beijing Metro Station," figuring that there must be a subway line there. In the 25 minutes between my getting on the bus and the time that bus started moving, I began to regret that.
In the long ride, I doubted why I just didn't get a taxi to my hotel straight from the airport. I had the address and map all dialed up on my laptop, 'twould've been simple for a cabdriver to see the map, said, oh yeah, no problem (in Chinese), and off we would have gone. As I watched cabs pass us, that idea blossomed more and more in my brain, until the idea-petals were too glorious to ignore.
Eventually we did get to the station, and as we got off, about 8 cab-drivers were screaming at us that they were cab-drivers, and would be happy to transport us to our final destination (I think).
Having an adverse response to being shouted at, I said that I was fine and walked about 200 yards until someone said "Cab?" at me, and I said "Yes, yes, I do need a cab," pulling out my laptop, and showing him my destination. He did not leap into action as I had hoped, rather he stroked his chin, seemed confused, and decided to call the hotel number listed, to which there was no answer. (I had looked at his phone, and it appeared that he had dialed wrong, but I assumed that his knowledge of the Beijing phonebook/area-code dialing procedures were more accurate than my eyes, and also, I don't know enough Chinese to convey "It appears you have mis-dialed, or am I mistaken, after all, I do not know much about your country, let alone its various area codes; forgive me if my ego has intruded upon your realm of knowledge."
When his confusion attracted the attention of about 7 other people, all of whom encircled me in far too tight a manner to be considered safe, all of whom I hope were intrigued by my laptop directions, rather than what I feared to be an unsolved case of a foreigner being knifed in the spine with no known suspect.
Fortunately, a man around my age, though with more Asian features than myself saw my map and said that he could drive me there. I said that such a promise was swell, and dragged my bag in his direction. When we got to his vehicle, that's when I knew that the only reason I hadn't been repeatedly molested as a child was due to a lack of pedophiles in the vicinity, not my survival skills.
His car was a van, and a rather shabby, elderly one at that. It had, at one point, been white, perhaps during the Reagan administration, though I concede that the nation of China and its people are likely not to refer to time-periods by who was the U.S. President.
Really, I should have just demurred, said thanks, but no thanks, and walked away. Or just grabbed as many of my possessions as I could and sprinted, in any direction that wasn't right into the van, but I am too polite for my own well-being, so I got in and we took off, decreasing my odds of survival by about 5,000%.
As you should have ascertained by now, I lived, and without the fear of death, the next hour of me being driven around back-alleys by a potential psychotic borderline-illiterate who took time from honking at people too close to the street (even those on the opposite side) to stop twice for directions isn't very compelling. At one point I had convinced myself that being killed in Beijing would at least ensure that I would be in the running for the "most intriguing death" trophy, awarded every decade amongst mutual friends and family.
The punchline is that after I got to my hotel, I went out for a walk and found the Beijing Metro Station, less than 1/2 a mile away.

I Said Fugu Me!

2010-12-15T00:48:00.000-05:00

As the post would imply, I tried fugu, and since I'm typing this, I'm either still alive and all is well, or the Russian mobsters who read this site looking for gambling insight have figured out how to perfectly mimic my style of writing (one part Simpsons reference, one part brain addled by youtube cat videos, a dash of incoherence, simmer over looking up big words on dictionary.com, and serve over a directionless, meandering bed of ill-placed paragraph breaks).
Places that sell fugu have a large, inflatable blowfish hovering above their restaurant, a sign to the rest of the world that: "We sell potential death here!" I did some research, because, well, really, one should when courting the reaper. I looked up a chain of fugu restaurants, and picked one near a subway station, because the more directions get beyond the station, the more likely I am to get lost and give up. I have no idea if that's because the roads are ill-layed out, but I will elect to blame my entire ignorance of the Japanese language first. If I went to my hometown and all the streets were in Portuguese, I'd likely just end up flashing a picture of my family's house to passer-bys before perishing in a dumpster about 15 minutes from their residence.
Here's as good a place as any to mention that the odds of dying by fugu are far lower than just randomly dying due to heart explosion, boneitis, or most annoyingly, the inconsiderate actions of others (I blame my death on you, Sharon. No matter how it arrives to me.) Approximately 100 people die a year of fugu poisoning, most of them due to eating fugu prepared by someone untrained to serve it (you need a license to prepare death in this country, another example of how strict-libertarianism doesn't work; the free market does tend to shift after death, but still, the deaths...)
After a long annoying search for the place in the rain, through which I reminded myself that while my organs will soon turn on me in the next hour, you will long to feel the droplets of rain on your still (somewhat) youthful body, while you (somewhat) optimistically believe that you will have a long, pleasant life, and wish to listen to "Funkytown" yet again. That choice is made without hedging or reservation.
I did see that next to the chain store was another establishment with an inflated blowfish balloon from its window, so I picked that one to eat at, because if no one wants to die at the McDonalds of any country.
The taste is very non-existent; it's like eating gruel with a fish texture. though after the first bite, you do receive a tingling on the back of your tongue, and if you're like me, and are at heart a 14-year old girl, you start giggling at.
That's about it, though. It's worth trying to say you tried it. It's like bungee-jumping, only you get to eat instead of plummet while staring death in the face (from a very long distance, through binoculars, from behind a lead shield, while wearing a suit of armor.)
So, to recap, I am alive. So you can stop pretending to worry, and quit pondering whether or not you are obliged to attend my funeral. Only if you throw yourself on my coffin and demand to be buried alive with me, before being pulled away by uncles empowered by the service of the open bar.
Yeah, there will be an open bar at my funeral; it's not like I'm paying for it.

Bullet Train- How I Napped on a Pinnacle of Modern Engineering

2010-12-11T00:50:00.000-05:00

I have a semi-belief that we all have a finite amount of sanity, and that every time one encounters stress, that stock gets siphoned a bit. Perhaps it is mere justification for my own lackadaisical, stumblers-attitude towards things like family, career, and politics (the elephants are winning now, right? I once saw a documentary on them- elephant babies are cute).
Travel of any kind, however, is what I can look back on when I'm in my forties, experiencing a rare fit of lucidity, and say "Oh, yes, that did it," then resuming muttering about a Polynesian mailman who has never existed.
Since I needed to awaken early enough to shower, dress, and get out of the hotel by 9:30, I slept on the floor- a system that wakes me up every other hour, mostly because my doughy body is too prissy to sleep on wood. Cranky, bag-eyed, and hungry, I embarked towards the station, 10-pound bag on my shoulder, 25-pound bag dragging behind me, which doesn't sound bad, and actually wasn't for the first mile, then stairs and fatigue set in. Combine that with having to squeeze me and my possessions onto Tokyo's most crowded subway line, I learned that the main upside to no one around you speaking your language is that you can quietly cuss with total impunity.
I vowed to myself to eat something when I found my train's departure point, since most of my bad moods have been in part due to not eating, the others due to the waxing and waning of the moon, alcohol, pain-killers, bad relationships, or all at once, in a glorious supernova breakdown of decency and tact that let's not talk about anymore...kittenskittensvodkakittens...ok, better, let's move on.
Once I got to my destination station, tired, hungry, now angry, and having weaved through approximately 4 billion Japanese people, including several hundred thousand old women for whom bipedal movement has become entirely optional that were seemingly strategically placed in advance to hinder my progress, I vowed to find food.
I bought a bento box of assorted little seafood bits, vegetables, and rice that I anticipated eating in the same sobbing-eating manner a child would after he's given ice cream to soothe his nerves after skinning his knee. After lugging 35 pounds for about a mile and a half, miraculously not flattening an elderly person either accidentally or not, famished, frustrated, and lacking sufficient sleep, my inner 4-year old swallowed the farce of a grown man I daily attempt to present to the world, and now all I wanted was the security of being at the right place, and a seat to eat my food, salted with my own stress-tears.
The best job for me would not be as a nurse, teacher, cocaine mule, no, it would be to go to foreign mass-transit systems, and get insanely lost, and then fix confusing signs later. Either that or cat-whisperer. I won't bore you with the hour that I spent in an ADD-fury, running back and forth, looking at signs, my ticket, other train-lines, then repeat until I got it right, but when I found a seat, I wharfed my food like I had just gotten out of prison (I was a very brave boy, though- no tears), got on the train, wedged my giant suitcase betwixt my legs, and slept until I woke up at Osaka, my knees howling from being akimbo for so long.
So, if anyone sees me 30 years from now, doddering on about how I have a train to catch, please give me a cookie and excuse yourself- it'll be for all of our bests.

It's the 1st of the Month...

2010-12-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to the new Girl Talk album pretty much non-stop whenever I leave my comfy bed, and I'm still not tired of it. I have a good friend who limits herself to listening to an album x times a week, so as to not let it grow stale. In no way have I done that, as good an idea as that may be.
But that album, which is available for free download at http://illegal-art.net/allday/ is somewhat representative of traveling in a foreign country that you know little about. It's very superficial, but very fun, every minute there's something new and intriguing.
The people in my hotel know me by sight as "the whitey who's not morbidly obese." There's a guy staying here who fits the first two words though, and wow.... I kinda envy him, if I woke up with his body, I think I'd just shut down my libido, and engage in non-stop culinary indulgence. As it is, I'm stuck between not liking my body, yet wanting it to be acceptable to society- no, wait, I mean women, fuck the male-half.
The Tokyo subway lines are an example of Libertarianism's benefits and downfalls. All the lines do have the upside that you can pick and choose which is easiest to get you from one place to another. However, there are several competing lines, all of which barely acknowledge the existence of the others. The only time I've had someone recommend a different system to me was when there was a glitch in my card, and it was just vastly superior to tell me to take the JR system than it was to explain the maze-like steps it would require to stay on the Tokyo Metro line. Subway maps, put out by the respective companies, excise 90-100% of the competing lines' stops. It's easy to get lost/waste hours, but that's the free-market economy for you, comrade.

In Which Our Hero Dons His Bitchypants

2010-12-03T02:08:00.000-05:00

When I was at language school, I woke up stupidly giddy one morning at 4:30am, the day of a test that I was certain to do poorly on, if not outright fail, the best-case consequences of which would be my demotion to another class, one away from the friends I had been building relationships with for the past year (if you know me, you probably could have guessed that I don't make friends easily, nor do I hold onto superficial ones well, so even this was going to be rather painful. Worst-case scenario: complete excision from the program, and a likely eventual spot in sunny Iraq/Afghanistan.
I twitched awake, shot my eyes upon, realized where I was, and in a cartoony-cliche, actually cackled over my fortune. I did stop a moment later, since it was 4am, and my roommate was not likely to share my enthusiasm.
I went to bed that night morose, having had another talk with my teacher about my future path, and how it was very unlikely that it would proceed unforked.
I dreamed that I was in my NY home, in the backyard, raking leaves in my AF uniform, as part of my AF duties, when a fighter-jet flew overhead. Listlessly and without emotion, I pulled out a pistol and fired at it, not intending to do anything to do, just mostly out of boredom, the way one would thumb through a childhood book, flip through TV channels, or drink a bottle of scotch in the dark. The plane went down. I ran and hid, knowing that my life was over; jail, then dying if not in prison, in a mold-festooned apartment I would need to share with an invalid who required assistance in order to swallow. As part of our rental agreement, I would be that assistance, when I wasn't working as a shoeshine boy at the age of 62, of course.
So when I woke up, concluded that I was in my bed, and was not on the run from the AF as the result of the unintended murder of at least one person and the destruction of a rather expensive piece of equipment, I was elated enough to go for a jog, and do well enough on the test without getting kicked out of the class (that would come after the next exam).
Perspective was as important then as it was when I found myself very lost, with a runny nose, out of water, unable to get to the next subway stop without backtracking about 5 miles, tired, and in need of a restroom, or at least a different private area because I was along a river where numerous shanty-style shelters had been set up, and I was concerned that I might have to deal with someone yelling at me in Japanese that I was urinating on their back lawn, and now I would have to die.
So, I had to tell myself often that I was in Tokyo, a place that I've always wanted to visit; it's warm out; I had 6 more hours before the subways stop; and an hour ago, I saw a dinosaur made out of tires. I was in a good situation, and despite my physical annoyances, this was going to end well, so be happy, damnit.
I'm alive enough to write this, so obviously I made it back. I got to see a different part of Tokyo, several cats (shanty-folk love kitties!), and I'm no longer ill. Also, in Buffalo there was a snowstorm that left people stranded in traffic for up to 13 hours. Today I walked around in short-sleeves and was sweaty from the heat and humidity. Yaaayy perspective!

Travel Blog: Ever See The Terminator? That's My Life.

2010-12-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

I had figured that there was no possible way to tie my trip to Asia in with sports, until I took a shower yesterday. Since I am but a poor blogger, I booked a hotel with a tiny room and communal bathrooms. That sounds bad, but the shower more than makes up for it.
Nothing gets the blood percolating like unfiltered, needless competition. Like when Kirk had to battle Spock. Remember how erotically charged you/I were/was? Again, if you were there, I apologize.
So...my shower is 100 yen for 5 minutes of shower time. 100 yen is like $1.25. Really, that's not much to take a longer shower, and I'm sure I would view it in that context if it weren't for the timer.
There's a countdown of how much shower-time you have left, which turns the act of getting yourself clean into a battle between man and machine. You may have walked in a complacent tourist, but you will leave a competition-burnished human-switchblade made of fists and exuberance. It starts at 5.0, then every 30 seconds: 4.5. 4.0. 3.5.
"Fuck, conditioner! Ok, I walked around a lot, I gotta wash my legs really well- has it been halfway already? Damnit! Soap, get back here! Fuck, did I wash my arms? DID I?!"
So far I'm 1-0, and it was decisive, with about 40 seconds of victory-shower to spare. I let it wash over me, thinking that this is what it must be like to emerge alive from the ruins of the day, showering with purpose.
So, now that we've established a note of competition, I don't have to feel bad when I make this a temporary travel blog of my sojourn. I'll update when possible/ my legs are tired from walking all day.

CFB Picks: Ducklings Crossing the Street in a Line & Drinking Your Enemy's Blood Through His Own Skull Edition

2010-11-13T01:31:00.000-05:00

If you read the title (no blame if you didn't, it's long), then you've surmised by now that this week is all about the positive aspects in life. This is in stark contrast to last week's edition, which imagined a future dystopia where everyone was misunderstood and struggled through unfulfilled existences surrounded by people who questioned their values and actions nearly as much as they did themselves (fiction, huh? What an awful society they constructed. That could never happen on Earth...).

Yes, friends (reading this blog is just like hanging out with me. Thanks for setting us up, Internet!), today we celebrate the reasons we get out of bed and don't take a bottle of sleeping pills with a handle of rum (aside from the calories; you all are going to be so jealous of how hot my corpse will be). If it weren't for the items detailed below, mankind would habitually sedate itself with mood-altering substances and rationalize their own selfish, cruel actions just in order to make it to the next bitter day of labor and disappointment. Again, blessed be us that such a life of horror is the fanciful speculation of a flu-addled, heavily-caffeinated ne'er-do-well.

Utah -6
@ Notre Dame

Reason to Live: Revenge.

I will concede that a lifetime of focusing on revenge is futile, infuriating, and will destroy you more than it ever would your target. Let's look at two examples:

You have an ice-cream cone. You see Craig. Craig steals your ice cream. You hunt him over the course of four months, losing your job, friends, spouse and home. Craig lets his guard down for a second to get the mail. You leap at him, garroting his organs, and letting him live long enough for you to tell him why you did this, and to see the last emotion he ever expresses be one of regret.
Sure, you'll go to jail and lose whatever potential you had in life. You'll probably forget it was all over ice cream, which is for the best, since it's such a petty reason, it would just further depress you anyway. Still, until the cops come, you did it; you won.

Scenario Two: You are at home, it's 3 am, and you're googling ex-lovers. You come across an old boyfriend's recent photo, and wow did he put on weight. Not so much that you wouldn't recognize him, but enough so that you can feel superior. Look at that smile on his face. Obviously fake. Who could ever be happy like that? No one with dignity. Why did he leave you? Who knows...probably for pie, from the looks of it. Surely you've won, since he's gotten less attractive, so clearly his life is worse than yours, meaning he never should have left you.
The downside is that this means he still has power over you, which really means that someone who looks like pudding in a suit has their globby hands in your mind, controlling what you think and reminding you of your breakup each time you hear the phrase: "judgmental, superficial harpy."

How it relates to the game: I don't care for Notre Dame.

Virginia Tech -3 1/2
@ North Carolina

Reason to Live: Food.

Food is great. Putting aside the fact that eating it helps you survive, because, really, the debate is still on about if that's a good thing or not, it tastes great. It improves mood, it can invigorate or tire, and sharing it is the best way to get to know someone, since if you give someone food, they pretty much have to talk to you. I wish I was eating food right now. Especially something heavy in fats, sugars, and carbohydrates. Thankfully, the technology to chocolate-dip a fried corndog is only an imagination away.

How it relates to the game: Each player has at some point, eaten.

Central Michigan
@ Navy -14

Reason to Live: Fire

Not much to really say here that isn't common knowledge. If it wasn't for this, I'd have died of exposure, robbing you of me. So sad. Next time you see a house burning down, maybe you won't be so knee-jerk in your assessment of it as a "tragedy." Just fire being fire, is all. Also, can be used in conjunction with the above two items.

How it relates to the game: In a misguided yet impressive pre-game rally effort, Central Michigan fans will burn 400,000 American Flags and the USS Cleveland Alexander.

USC
@ Arizona -4 1/2

Reason to Live: Cats

Cats are the best; they're fluffy, affectionate, and make noises when they're happy. They're like a drunk bearded guy, except far better. Better than all people, bearded or not. That goes for other animals, too. If you have a pet that isn't a cat, you are not peak-living. I feel strong enough to have written the previous 3 sentences in all caps-lock, were that not annoying. Cats are like the opposite of an all caps-lock rant.

How it relates to the game: Arizona's mascot is the Wildcat, which as we know, is a regular cat that has gone feral. If you suspect this has happened to your cat, just leave the door open and it will leave on its own to hunt smaller prey. If you own children, this would be an ideal time to send them outside to play.

Texas A&M -3
@ Baylor

Reason to Live: True Love

I hear this is great.

How it relates to the game: I have to slouch into bed and envelop myself in blankets for 14 hours. Don't talk to me.

CFB Picks: Boxed Wine and Discounted Imitation Lobster Week

2010-11-04T18:14:00.000-04:00

There are only 4 good games this week that actually have meaning regardless of who wins. Every other game will only be important should something go wrong. Essentially this week is what life is like after you get married, have two kids, and give up.
It's Monday, and you wake up to the reality that you've squandered another weekend drinking light beer you hate, arguing with your spouse about things that don't matter, watching football with people you don't like as much as the friends that you used to have, and yelling at your kids for getting grades that were no worse than the ones you got at their age.
So you arise at 6:30 to shuffle the kids off to school, note that the dead look in your oldest's eyes matches your own, take a too-long, too-hot shower that's bad for your skin, eat off-brand cheerio-style cereal (you can tell the difference, damn it), dump the excess milk before your spouse can see you do it, hop in your car that has the maintenance light flashing, end up in traffic because two people actually stupider than the way you feel most of the time got into a wreck and press your ever-wrinkling forehead against the wheel and pray that just this week, this one week, nothing happens. No momentous occasions, nothing grand or foul, just one week where everything you expect to occur does, just an torrent of even, steady, unimposing mediocrity. You are owed a week where the you don't get subtly put down for finishing in last at Boggle Night at the Piersons', your boss doesn't get on you for writing "weird-looking eights," and your oldest won't complain about not being in control, and you don't look at them condescendingly and not say "No one is ever in control." Just. One. Week.

Air Force -7
@ Army

At 3:27, you will receive a text message informing you that the dog just bit the neighbor's kid and his mother is on the front yard screaming that it needs to be put down. You know it probably will, even though you know the bastard teases Spot (God, even the name of your dog is average), but the only evidence that this kid is psychotic won't come for another 15 years, or to be more accurate, one day prior to the candlelight vigil in honor of his victims.

Maryland
@ Miami -7 1/2

You are asked to pick up milk and eggs on the way home. You do so, but your spouse needles you for not getting them cheaper at the supermarket. You could argue that driving out of your way would cost more than the 14 cents you save but you choose not to because fuck it.

Western Michigan
@ Central Michigan -3 1/2

The Pinkleys invite your family over for dinner. They are better looking, have better jobs, and inherited a lot of money. You know that their sex life is dead and their 6-year old is in therapy. You grin, then chuckle to yourself. You don't feel bad at all. A decade ago you would have chastised yourself over that. You were so different back then.

Illinois
@ Michigan -3

Your brother comes to visit. He's going through a divorce, and wishes his was in "as stable a marriage as yours". You tell him that every couple has problems. He responds by telling you that he thinks he's gay. Jokingly, you point out that he's never been that committed to anything before. Seriously, he tells you to rot in Hell, but stays for dinner anyway.

Washington
@ Oregon -35

The library called. That new book just arrived and you were first on the list to borrow it, but please be swift, there are 33 people behind you. 33 people are going to be pissed because you're savoring your only victory. Over the next two weeks, you will finish that book three times, search out all reviews and criticisms of it, talk it up to everyone you meet, especially those who are waiting on it from the library, scour the author's past work, and think about that book more than you will about your family, job, money, or friends. You'll turn it in the day before late fees, and get a nasty look from the librarian at the desk:
"A lot of people want to read this book..."
"I know."

CFB Picks: "Bitter is an Acceptable Lifestyle" Edition

2010-10-30T09:51:00.000-04:00

For reasons too dull to get into, one of my picks last week went terribly wrong at the very end, changing a sure win into catastrophic defeat. If I were still the type of person who does this, I would have charged into the nearest convenience store and bought out their supply of Four-Loko, in hopes to kill whatever brain cells stored that memory. Instead, I looked up places to road-trip to (Dinosaur Park, Reptile Garden? Truly there be no sadness here....), presumably to escape my shame and misfortune.

Since Vegas is so good at what they do, (I would be as well, if millions of dollars were at stake. In a related story, I found a quarter on the street, and I was elated.) these games often come down to the last minute, with the winner already determined, and one team just scrambling for garbage points. No one's trying their hardest, half the players are depressed, and everyone knows a pass is coming. It's bloated with chaotic possibilities, mooting any guess I (and actual gamblers) put forth. It's bad habits imitating life: no matter your talent, work ethic, and morals, we're all just as likely to die alone on Christmas Eve surrounded by tinsel-decorated houseplants and indifferent cats as we are to achieve our dreams and marry someone who truly loves us.

Michigan -3
@ Penn State

I'm taking Michigan, since I don't see PSU having enough offense to hang around, but if undersized Michigan QB Denard Robinson proves my theory (research unwittingly conducted in middle through high school) about smaller people getting hurt when bigger people hit them correct, PSU has a chance.

Colorado
@ Oklahoma -23 1/2

Another example of the randomness of life: Colorado Head Coach Dan Hawkins, who parlayed being the Head Coach at Boise St. (a program that has only improved since he left, showing that just maybe he wasn't the cause for success) into a huge contract at CU. He then recruited his son to be his QB (since benched), and has seen his teams regularly pummeled like a pork-chop you're mad at. The only reason he hasn't been fired yet is that his school is too cash-strapped to afford the termination fee in his contract. Proof that fortune favors the lucky. However, his team will get stomped today (unless they don't), and he has to start his son again, since the QB ahead of him ruptured his spleen.

Miami (OH) -3
@ Buffalo

I do dislike picking against my old school, but Miami (OH) is just much, much better. Just the facts, folks. (This guarantees Buffalo will win by 20, then all 3 followers of this blog will mock me for my failings and claw at my deepest insecurities. Hint: attack the fear of never being accepted by those I truly care about. Man, am I weak there.)

Tulsa
@ Notre Dame -8 1/2

This week, 60mph winds took down a scissor-lift a Notre Dame student was taping practice in. He was killed, and there was no reason he should have been up there. Tweets from the student indicate that he was quite scared before the lift came down.
I don't know what it would be like to actively root for an organization, that through an act of stupefying negligence, got someone killed.

Northwestern -3 1/2
@ Indiana

I'm rolling with the Purple again. If they meltdown again, I'm just going to go back to bed until springtime. Bears do it, they seem...well, they seem mad. Everyone seems mad these days.

Those last two picks were depressing. I'm cutting my losses and going for a walk. When I get back, I'd better have cheered up. (shakes fist at self, realizes self isn't to blame, gives self hug, shares a cup of cocoa with self)

And Lo, a forte-cumbered "Caw" sprang from the Gilly-Crow....

2010-10-23T04:18:00.000-04:00

...because I broke .500 for last week! Woo! Woo! Woo. Wooo....

This week's episode: A return to sub-mediocrity.

Michigan St. -6 1/2
@ Northwestern

If Michigan St. wins this, they will have proven themselves anti-LGBT by trouncing the purple-clad Wildcats. But if Northwestern wins, they will be exposed as anti-environment (Mich. St. wears green). Drats. Is it possible to have your own liberal guilt fight with itself?
Ok, decision time: Fuck Trees.

Kent St. -2 1/2
@ Bowling Green

I think I read somewhere that Bowling Green's best player was out. Based on that hyper-specificity, take Kent and use the winnings to take your lady out somewhere nice. She deserves it, and if you don't treat her right, she'll leave you, and you'll end up staring out the window, throwing rock-candy at crows and wishing you still had Sheila- no, I mean, wish you still had woman-of-unrecallable-name-because-you're-having-too-much-fun-in-your-current-life-to-even-remember-the-past-especially-not-her-whomever-she-is-who-cares-not-me-that's-for-sure-hahahahahahaha.......

Mocking bastard crows....

Central Michigan
@ Northern Illinois -10 1/2

On facebook, some of my friends will post things along the lines of:

"If you read "Zeitoun" and try to tell me it's NOT one of the best books in the modern-post-Foster Wallace-era, I'll hit you with a tire iron."

"people i work with are so dumb; i swear if one more person tells me that the copiers broken i will go to the zoo, start a torrent affari with the zookeeper, steal his zoo-cage keys and UNLEASH JAGUARS ON THEM!!!!!!! LOL!"

"ne1 tells you that im not god- you tell me il'l turn them into salt! j/k but itd be a LOT of fun.... :>)"

Essentially, the posts are: "If you disagree with me, I will hurt you." Which is a.) terrible b.) petty c.) proof of a small mind and d.) very illegal.

Which is my intro to saying that MAC stands for Mid-American Conference. So, you don't have to say "MAC conference," since it's redundant. It's ok, I know what you meant, and it's not a big deal. Oh, and take NIU.

Alabama -16 1/2
@ Tennessee

Take 'Bama. Their defense should nearly blank UT, and Ingram and Richardson are just as likely to control the game on the ground.
Hey, I really thought about that one. I really hope I'm right.

Oklahoma -3
@ Missouri

No one will be happier than I if I'm wrong, and Missouri wins, but I don't see it. Take the Sooners.
On second thought, the players, coaches, the families of both, alumni, residents of Missouri, residents of the surrounding states, people who hate Oklahoma, and people who bet on Missouri will all be happier than me.

Week "I Don't Even Know Anymore" CFB Picks, I guess....

2010-10-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamed that I was trapped in a car that fell into the ocean and that I had to attend a meeting of "Food-Hiders Anonymous." How did I know my awful secret?

Not so secret: I am bad at this.

1-4 again last week. Onwards and upwards!

Oklahoma State
@ Texas Tech -3

I'm taking the Cowboys because I don't know why, I have no idea why I do most of the things that I do.

South Carolina -5
@ Kentucky

I'm taking USC, though I have a feeling that Kentucky's going to make this game very close. I'm banking on a late score to make the score wider than it should have been. Also, Kentucky's starting RB is out.

Baylor -1 1/2
@ Colorado

Colorado is awful; take the Bears.

Air Force -1
@ San Diego St.

I don't think I've been alive at a time when San Diego St. was a proper team. That they are 3-2 now stuns me. Reluctantly, I take the Falcons.

Oregon St.
@ Washington -2

Really? Sure? Take the Beavers. I don't understand this, even in the grasp of sobriety.

Week Failure: CFB Picks

2010-10-09T00:46:00.000-04:00

In 15th century Mongolia, they had what was translated to "Wrongsayers," people who were so often and consistently incorrect they were considered valuable to their society. So my point is: Stay With Me.
Now, I know you've heard this before, but this time I'm not clinging to you out of fear of loneliness. This is fear of being replaced by someone greater than myself. Well, here goes, our last shot at togetherness:

Illinois
@ Penn St. -8

Illinois! I'm not sure Penn St. can score 8 points in a game.

Western Kentucky
@ FIU -9 1/2

FIU. Sorry Western Kentucky, wait one more week for your first D-1 win.

Army
@ Tulane -1

Tulane to cover. They're at home, and I have no more to add. I'm tired and defeated.

Alabama -7
@ South Carolina

I'm picking 'Bama. Please let me be wrong.

USC
@ Stanford -10

Go Cardinal. I beg of you.

CFB Picks -"This is Week 5, right?" Edition

2010-10-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

Last week was supposed to be so easy, then actual football players got in the way of some fantastic picks. Maybe this week they'll shape up.

Texas Tech -7
@ Iowa State

Go Red Raiders. I still can't accept the Cyclones being kinda good.

Arizona St.
@ Oregon St. -3 1/2

Beavers to cover. Again, hard to think of the Sun Devils as good again. Everything old is new again, like in that They Might Be Giants song whose lyrics I would quote if I could remember them.

Tennessee
@ LSU -16

Assuming the Vols get a TD at some point in the game, LSU would have to score 24 points to cover, and I don't think they're capable of that.

Wisconsin -2
@ Michigan St.

I think the Badgers are the less fraudulent of these two clubs.

Northwestern -5 1/2
@ Minnesota

When your coach is already at lame duck status and you haven't entered conference play yet, that's a good reason to bet against them. So NW it is, despite last week's tragic ending.

I don't know my cumulative record, but it's on the broken end of a leg.

Week 4 CFB Picks: Long-Term Defecits Edition

2010-09-25T09:33:00.000-04:00

So I started praying last week. Intently. Fervently. Lustily. No wait, not that last one. Now, don't fret; nothing bad happened to me, nor did I do anything wrong. I just needed a little "in" time with our Lord because I needed money. A lot of it. Thirty dollars a lot of it.

This is nothing new for me. I've always been willing to do things I don't believe in for money. Like work for it. Or sell state secrets. Not that I did (sell secrets, I have had to work for money, which is as absurd as it sounds), but chiefly because no one asked.

Look, North Korea, I get it. Your economy is in shambles. But did you know that I could've been bribed with South Korean money? Which is everywhere. It just blows around on the streets for anyone who wants it. We were collecting it, until we all just realized that everyone was rich already, and who needed the burden of carrying thousands upon thousands of bills back to their silver-plated dorms? My point being, your spies could have used that money to bribe me. Why didn't they? They could have given me that usable currency (not like yours, which I hear is being taped to children as a source of warmth) in exchange for high-level intelligence, which I would have had to conjure out of lies, because my superiors deemed me too "untrustworthy" to be around Secret-level and above material. Of course, in this context, untrustworthy meaning "I am humiliated by your charm, intellect, and appearance, so I will do everything I can to undercut you because I am cowed by you sexually."

Anyway, money. I needed some. Turned to Jesus, and he delivered unto me a 3-2 week.
I gotta say, not that impressed with those results. Well within the margin of error. Seems like I could've used all that prayer time to do research or shakedown frail orphans. Well, I gave it my all. More than can be said for certain deities I could name.

Central Michigan
@ Northwestern -6 1/2

I like NW. Both teams should score a lot, but in the end, it'll be the Wildcats up by at least 7.

UCF
@ Kansas St. -7

K-State is for real, you guys. Super real. I mean, until they play other real teams. Then it won't be so real. Well, it'll be a different kind of real, like really depressing. Super really depressing. For reals.

Tulane
@ Houston -19 1/2

Generally, a good rule of thumb is that when a team loses its top two QBs in back-to-back weeks. Bet against them. So, go Tulane! Don't make me look stupid. That's what test scores are for.

Alabama -7
@ Arkansas

As institutions around us erode and decay, it's good to know that there will always be chaos, and I choose to throw in with chaos and pick Arkansas. It's so crazy, it just might be unprofitable.

Oklahoma -14
@ Cincinnati

This ain't gon' be pretty. See that? I affected a down-home style of writing, so you would think that my insight comes from a rural-based, real-life, soulful & honest way of seeing the world. Made me more trustworthy. But you don't need a fake country-boy to know that Oklahoma will throttle Cincy like a...mule....eating a...stibnite?
Honestly, I don't care much for the country.

CFB Picks Week 3: "2-3 is like 2-3 edition"

2010-09-18T19:32:00.000-04:00

If you think that my doing this at the last second, having missed all but the 8pm EST games will make my record look bad, then you don't know my record.

Utah -22
@ New Mexico

UNM, don't disappoint me by suddenly becoming competent. That would be unfair and very stunning.

Texas -3 1/2
@ Texas Tech

This wouldn't happen if Mike Leach was still there. Horns to cover. Adam James to remain locked in the metaphorical closet of his own undeserved ego.

Iowa
@ Arizona -2

Iowa. Adrian Clayborne begins his "Defensive Player who actually deserves it but has no chance of getting the Heisman award" campaign tonight.

Wake Forest
@ Stanford -17 1/2

I'm going to say Wake has just enough to cover, but not enough to avoid feeling demoralized.

Houston -4
@ UCLA

UCLA to cover. If Case Keenum didn't have a concussion last week, I'd stay away. Even still, I'm very hesitant.

Week 2 CFB Picks- "Huzzah to the Shopkeep"

2010-09-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

For not having my legs splintered after last week's 1-3-1 performance. As always, the following are for entertainment only, like a Steve Spurrier pre-game press conference.

Georgia Tech -14
@ Kansas

After last week, there's no evidence that Kansas can score at all vs. an FBS defense. I'm not sure Tech needs to score more that 15 points to cover.

Colorado
@ Cal. -10

Yes, I have no faith in Colorado. On the plus side, with CO moving into the Pac-10 soon, this will be a nice breaking in for a semi-annual ritual beating the Bears will administer. It's like Middle School all over again...

Miami
@ Ohio St. -8 1/2

I can't pick a winner in this one, so 8 1/2 is too attractive. like a simile about a woman in your immediate family.

BYU
@ Air Force -1

I would've thought this line would be reversed, so, yeah, BYU.

Syracuse
@ Washington -13

Cross-country sojourn for a poor Big East team against an up-and-coming Pac-10 squad with the probably #1 overall pick at QB? Take the Huskies for some easy ducats.
Ducats being a unit of entertainment on this site.

I also think Georgia's going to hold on against South Carolina, even sans A.J. Green, who's suspended for selling his own jersey, and if that makes no sense, then you either don't understand College Football at all, or you understand it way too much, and now you need a narcotic to get through another realization of life's unwavering cruelty.

Week 1 CFB Picks

2010-09-02T16:52:00.000-04:00

Rhode Island
@Buffalo -24

-I do dislike picking against my school, but first game for a new QB and Head Coach...Buffalo should win, but not by more than 3 touchdowns.

Minnesota -1 1/2
@ Middle Tenn. St.

I'll take Minnesota to cover, since MTSU won't have QB Dwight Dasher (real name), who's suspended for stealing a blank check from a teammate to give to an 80-year old man, to whom Dasher owed a "large sum" of money (real story).

Southern Miss
@ South Carolina -13 1/2

I think Southern Miss is gonna make a game of this, maybe even pull off the upset. Either way, 13 1/2 is too much, meaning South Carolina by 30 at the half.

Pittsburgh
@ Utah -3

Pitt is ranked in the Top 20, and since I know nothing else about these teams, I'll pick them to win.

Colorado -11 1/2
@ Colorado St.

Unless Dan Hawkins got fired and I was unaware, take the Rams.

CFB Predictions

2010-09-02T16:15:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: The following predictions are hasty, uninformed, and exist solely to amuse me.

ACC - Florida State over Miami

Big 12- Oklahoma over Nebraska

Big East- West Virginia

Big 10- Ohio St.

Conference USA- Houston over Southern Miss.

MAC- Temple over Central Michigan

MWC- TCU

Pac-10- Oregon St.

SEC- Alabama over Florida

Sun Belt- Troy

WAC- Boise St.

Bowls:

Orange- Florida St. over Nebraska

Fiesta- TCU over West Virginia

Rose- Oregon St. over Penn St.

Sugar- Alabama over Boise St.

Nat'l Championship- Ohio St. over Oklahoma

Heisman: Terrelle Pryor, Ohio St.

NFL Predictions

2010-09-01T20:33:00.002-04:00

Dolphins 11-5 (6)
Bills 4-12
Jets 12-4 (5)
Patriots 12-4 (2)

Steelers 7-9
Bengals 10-6
Browns 2-14
Ravens 11-5 (3)

Texans 10-6
Colts 13-3 ( 1)
Titans 9-7
Jaguars 4-12

Chargers 11-5 (4)
Chiefs 6-10
Raiders 4-12
Broncos 9-7

Washington 10-6
Giants 9-7
Eagles 9-7
Cowboys 11-5 (3)

Vikings 12-4 (2)
Packers 10-6 (6)
Bears 3-13
Lions 3-13

Saints 11-5 (5)
Falcons 13-3 (1)
Panthers 3-13
Buccaneers 4-12

Rams 4-12
49'ers 9-7 (4)
Seahawks 5-11
Cardinals 6-10

Ravens over Dolphins
Chargers over Jets

Colts over Chargers
Ravens over Patriots

Colts over Ravens

Cowboys over Packers
Saints over 49'ers

Saints over Falcons
Vikings over Cowboys

Saints over Vikings

Colts over Saints

MVP: Aaron Rodgers

OROY- Ryan Matthews
DROY- Daryl Washington

Coaches Fired: Del Rio, Cable, Smith, Fox

I went through the season's schedule, and the above is what I got. Still, to predict how teams will do at this point is foolhardy, as no one can accurately predict what will happen injury-wise once massive, fast, aggressive gentlemen start launching themselves at each other.

Doing picks with everyone at (mostly) full strength means that parity won't be too evident. Injuries can level the field, and this doesn't take account for that, mostly because who knows who'll be broken week-by-week?

I was surprised that I had Washington doing so well, same for Minnesota. I'm also not convinced that the Browns will only win two games, and the Raiders just four. If I had to stand by a few results, they would be that the Bears will be awful, the Lions, Broncos and Chiefs need another year to really challenge for their Divisions, and the Bengals won't falter too much, record-wise, though they will miss the playoffs.

All this is based on Revis re-signing at some point early in the season (before week 3). If he holds out an extended period of time, I say they miss the postseason, and the Bengals take the 6 spot. I think Del Rio, Smith, and Cable get fired mid-season, with Del Rio gone before week 7.

As far as the ROYs go, I picked Matthews because he's the starting RB on a team that's going to win the division, he's going to get a plethora of touches, and he's already getting hyped. I chose Washington because TCU was an underrated team, and oh, why not. Looking at the defensive players drafted, you could make a case for nearly everyone. I just chose Washington because I think he'll be used a lot in Arizona, he's got some buzz, and like I said, who knows.

Other asides: The Colts are the last unbeaten team to lose, falling at New England while the Browns are the last time to win, escaping infamy at Carolina.

I think that even if they have to trade up, the Bills will end up with a QB after next year's draft. I'm going to say it's Andrew Luck. I think Locker goes 1st to someone who'll trade up for Cleveland's spot. I'll say Seattle gives up a lot for him.

Let's Think About Baby Animals!

2010-09-01T01:18:00.005-04:00

So, yeah, my last post was pretty much me whining violently for 15 minutes.

Let's take a deep breath and pretend that it, like my first wife Sharon, never existed.

(Sharon, if you're reading this, I love you and want you back. Unless you don't want me back, in which case you are a whore who will burn in the literal fires of Hades forever. Also, your new husband's Abercrombie & Fitch modeling ads were sub-par.)

I get it a lot. "lunchhour_ambition", you don't seem like someone who would blog about sports. With your 5'6" 150lb. physique, surely you don't have time to write semi-coherently about sports, as you most assuredly are too busy playing them professionally for towerous sums of money."

No friends (or Sharon), I do not play sports for a living. In fact, I am on the un-athletic side.

"Wait, but that would make you (gasp) a nerd...? No, no, I refuse to believe it!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" (Slaps for the men, shakes for the ladies) Yes, yes, it's true, I am a nerd. I'm no Dwight Howard, Charles Oakley, Brock Sampson, or Strong Manlington (Blazers Forward in the late 70's). I played football in high school, but it wasn't like "Friday Night Lights" (which by the way, is an amazing book, and you should read it), it was more like, if 3 people get hurt, we legally won't have enough people to field a time. Also, by played, I mean was beaten down by bigger people on a depressingly consistent schedule.

Still, there were the '86 Mets. Daryl Strawberry's perfect swing.

I envision myself in a library. I reach for Haruki Murakami's "The Elephant Vanishes," just for old time's sake. As my fingers touch the spine, another set of digits touch mine. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

"No, no, it's all yours, I've read it already."

"Me too...."

Fast forward past courtship, dating, moving in, laughter at a state fair as she crams cotton candy into my mouth, my getting down on a knee to propose to her, her wordlessly pulling a ring from her purse, us wordlessly, passionately making hot, newly-engaged love right there in the Applebee's...LOVE.

Then, 6 years later, we've wanted a child for so long...the doctors said it couldn't happen, but we kept trying, and now, she's giving birth- she's so stunning...so strong, so perfect. One last push...it's a girl! Have you ever seen anything so perfect?

Yes, Daryl Strawberry turning on a 2-0 low breaking ball, a swing so geometrically flawless, an arch the ancient Greeks would've sworn belonged to Zeus himself. One step, then stride around the bases.... Next to that, every piece in the Guggenheim looks like something from Mr. Brainwash.

I see sports as a way to see life. Sometimes the good guys (San Antonio Spurs) win, sometimes the bad guys (NY Yankees) win, sometimes the guy in charge is so absurdly ignorant it makes one re-re-re-re-re-consider socialism (Memphis), sometimes legal action might be forthcoming because the owners lied to the city about how much money they were making (Marlins).

In short, sports is like life, only smaller, not as important, but ungodly more profitable.

Took a long time to get there, but I think I made my point foggishly clear.

The Bad

2010-09-01T00:20:00.003-04:00

So I'm upset right now, mainly because trying to get your password from google is like trying to break into the fucking Kremlin.

With the college football season nipping at our toes like a springtime rain in the meadow or like a hobo whose head you swore you caved in with a lifetime of pent-up fury, here are some things that were awful about last year:

Mike Leach lost his job for allegedly putting the son of loudmouth jackass/CFB commentator Craig James in utility closet because Leach (possibly) suspected he was faking a concussion. If you knew how enigmatic and just different Leach was, this really was stunning, since he seemed different than most other coaches. Which he was, he just also had a bit of a sadist in him. Texas Tech rebounded nicely with Tommy Tuberville, but the Air Raid is likely to wither and die, like a frog in the Gobi Desert.

Alabama won the National Championship, proving that good things happen to bad people. Well, it proves that great things, the best things, actually, happen to those comprised of pure evil with a dollop of hair gel. If anyone knows which deity I need to appeal to in order for the earth to swallow Nick Saban like a Whale consumes a single plankton, do let me know.

Notre Dame seems to have made a competent hire. Ok, ok, we've all heard this before...no need to panic. I'm sure this guy will foul up like the others before him. No! Don't look at his record of head-coaching success! Just don't do it, don't make things hard on yourself.

BYU and Utah fled the Mountain West Conference. Excuse me, I have to dig a grave for the wide-eyed tyke named "Dreams" that lived inside me. Looks like an eternity of Fiesta Bowls for TCU and Boise St.

There are days when a wine collection and Season 4 of "30 Rock" are essentials to one's happiness. This is one of those days. Also, if it could rain my enemies until the ground was soft and squishy enough for it to rain kittens without any injuries to said kittens, that would be just peaches.

What it Means to be a Fan: Desolation Junction Edition

2010-07-29T01:05:00.002-04:00

One of the issues the Lebron fiasco (which I'll write more on, because I can't keep my fat yap shut) helped illuminate was that well, no one wants to play in some cities. By some, I mean: Cleveland, Buffalo, Green Bay, Sacramento, New Jersey and a few others my brain won't let me realize because they are too depressing.

Not to say that no free agent will ever willingly play in one of these hubs of misery, but without those teams being good already, they won't attract anyone for their standard of living.

Note: Yes, the Cleveland Cavaliers were one of the best regular-season teams in the NBA the last two years, but that's strictly because of Lebron. Without James, the Cavs most critical role would be that of "the team that other bad teams look forward to playing because it means they might actually win." You'll see what I mean next season.

So aside from Reggie White being instructed by God to play for the Packers (true story, and even then, they were on the verge of winning it all, and would go on to win, aided in large part by White's then-a-record (since tied) 3 sacks).

All those above mentioned city-teams have had Champion-level squads at some point in time, but in all those cases, those teams were built from the Draft/trades, because no free-agent would ever choose to play there without a guaranteed level of professional success. So, to get good players, you have to be a good team (or be based in Miami).

So, essentially, to be a fan of those teams is to be at the mercy of front-office personnel who draft and deal for their team, as opposed to the players on the field. Green Bay has had success because they have drafted very well, and the Bills have not because God hates me.

Though, to be fair, if the Bills and Packers switched QBs, things might be quite different. Interestingly enough, both QBs were drafted after being passed on far too often (Rodgers lost tens of millions of dollars on draft day, in about 3 hours), to the point where each player was considered too good to pass up even though both had a QB at the time.

So, luck. Lots and lots of luck. To be a fan in these cities is to truly be at the mercy of the fates, to be a Greek, insecure in the knowledge that any second, Zeus could smite you and that would be that, tough break, hope you had kids, maybe they'll survive.

Each miscue is potentially fatal. There's no way the Knicks would be able to sign Amare' Stoudamire if they were an awful, tragically-run team in Shreveport. However, they are an awful, tragically-run team in Manhattan, so they did.

If you're in this town, you're at the poverty-line of fandom. Throw out your back/screw up a draft pick and you lose your job/90% of your games that season, then you're homeless/the worst team in the league the next 2 years.

So, the only way out of sports poverty is to put our teams in the hands of people potentially brilliant, who haven't had enough experience for other teams to figure out how skilled they are. That will lead to disaster on a Three-Mile Island level, but the difference between 1-15 and 4-12 isn't that vast, and I genuinely believe that if you're not used to winning, it's even sweeter when you do.

Perhaps that's just me trying to convince myself that's it's ok to be down for most of your life, because once I get my life together, I'll truly be happy, and those who have never lacked for confidence and success will never appreciate their fortune, and die miserable with more wins on their ledger, but I'll smile from my death-bed, recalling the few times I was at the apex.

This stopped being about sports at least one paragraph ago.

NBA Mitzvah

2010-06-29T12:24:00.001-04:00

Every year, players- mostly teenagers are drafted into the NBA at too young an age mentally and physically to play well at. There are always a handful of genetic wonders in a draft of humans that are outliers as it is, but largely they are consigned to a few years of coming off the bench, and depending on where they are picked, a good amount of money for someone who likely spent just a year or two in college, or enough to live the rest of their life well enough on providing they can keep a budget. There are a few who will transcend the odds- play 10 years in the league, be regarded as a star, and receive the kind of adulation for their work that will always be a specter to the rest of us.
Largely though, the Draft is about foisting responsibility onto those who aren’t ready to accept it yet. In much the same way that a Jewish 13-year old becomes a man in the eyes of his religion, yet still has a world of maturity to pass through, these players have the off-season hopes of largely destitute fan bases thrust upon them (I’m assuming that winning teams’ fans have learned that their picks are largely valueless). Even more odd, the overwhelming majority of the players have no geographical or emotional attachment to the place and people they’ll be called upon to represent. For most, this isn’t a big deal. The money is excellent, and to play a game for a living is everyone’s dream, even if that dream involves getting screamed at for making the wrong split-second decision that everyone in the world not on that court would also foul up.
Despite the lack of choice regarding where one will work, the trace foreboding sense of dread and failure that should accompany each name on the draft board, this is generally a happy time for all involved.

I understand the players being delighted. The money is more that anyone else in their graduating class may ever make, this is their dream come true, and few people have the state of mind to believe that they will be on the wrong side of statistical probability (especially pro athletes, who’ve already massacred the odds just making it to this point).

The best writing I’ve found on the subject of failure is Henry Abbot's piece on DeMarcus Cousins. His argument that failure is a two-way street when it comes to the draft is unfortunately unique. Most commentators will blame the player, who, being drafted largely on potential, is excoriated for not living up to that potential. As if any of us reached our peak at anything before we hit 25. The organization rarely gets heat for draft miscues, and their blame never is placed properly. The organization gets blamed for drafting bad players, which assumes that players are either good or bad at the time of their selection- that the draft is merely a gamble on who is or isn’t cosmically pre-destined for the stars or the gutters. The truth is that while bad franchises certainly make bad choices, it’s as plausible that those teams’ failures can equally be assigned to their inability to nurture and coax performance out of the collection of talent they have.

What it means to be a ____ fan. (Part 1)

2010-06-13T02:36:00.004-04:00

To be a Mets fan in this era is to acknowledge that the spoiled, relatively easy and carefree existence you enjoy is still fraught with anxiety, pain, insecurity, and the knowledge that in your very close proximity will be someone smarter, richer, and more successful than you.

In essence, it is to be an American.

The Mets have a top-five payroll every year and yet habitually seem ill-run, challenging the Cubs as a team that gets less with more every year. Our most immediate neighbors are the Yankees and Phillies, with the Mets being the metaphorical 110-pound 6th grade string-bean who gets his books slapped out of his hands every time he encounters them. Also, you know the kid's parents are awful with finances, that if you'd look in the family car, you'd see cigarette packs, crumpled lottery tickets, and an overall aura of new money dancing away. A cursory look at this environment says that there's no way this kid's going to succeed barring an angelic assist.

Still, a lower-middle class life isn't bad compared to the rest of the world. In any way. Yes, you don't make as much as your neighbors. Sure, your kids aren't as photogenic and winning. You're spurred by your base impulses, making bad decisions about people and getting swindled by hustlers. Destined to finish a habitual third in life, you take pleasure in little specks of pleasure that wriggle by, like a well-pitched road win, or your son getting into a decent state school (your neighbor's kid's safety school).

Do Mets fans and Americans have real problems? Only compared to our immediate environment. Our government leaders may not match our lofty imaginations, but looking at the Royals of the world, being a Mets fan is quite nice, as is being an American.

Being an honest Mets fan is to acknowledge that the world is unfair, cruel, largely inheritance-driven, and laden with hypocrisies, chief amongst them, laments about your own fate are undeserved- there are real teams out there with real problems. The Pirates will never win a Pennant, and Afghanistan's never going to be a world power.

Still, every day I hope the Mets win and the Yankees lose. I suppose this makes Mets fans more like bitter Canadians, but I don't know enough about Canada to lasso it into the muck and mire of a NY Mets simile.

Not that it's anything short of a good life, which under duress, I will admit.

Another week, more last-minute or worse picks

2009-11-21T13:52:00.002-05:00

2-3 last week. Due to more social obligations (aren't I the popular one) this is late, but I haven't seen a down yet, so I feel it's ok.

Northern Illinois

@ Ohio -1 1/2

-Huskies

Iowa State

@ Missouri -15

-Iowa State

Purdue -2 1/2

@ Indiana

-Indiana

Army

@ North Texas -1

-Army

Cal

@ Stanford -7

-Cal

I put more and more time into this thing every week.

Week 10 picks

2009-11-14T06:57:00.002-05:00

Back on track; I would've picked WVU to cover against the Bearcats, but putting that aside, let's focus on the record here....

Indiana

@ Penn State -24 1/2

Indiana will cover. They'll lose, but they'll cover.

Virginia Tech -18 1/2

@ Maryland

It's the ACC, reason is an antiquated notion. That, and I'm not entirely convinced of VT's ability this year. With that said, good luck, Terrapins.

Stanford

@USC -10 1/2

I'm not entirely positive USC can put up 11 points on Stanford, let alone that and whatever Stanford may score. With that said, I'm sure USC will show up and win, but it'll be within a score.

Miami -3 1/2

@North Carolina

I thought this line would be a lot higher, and I was all set to pick UNC. Alas, you're a worthy adversary, online betting sites. Miami'll cover this line, or I will be moderately sad.

Arizona

@ Cal. -3 1/2

Cal. is the favorite? I'm assuming Jahvid Best (multiple brain shakes) will not play, nor should he until he gets to the NFL. Arizona will stay in Pac-10 title contention...somehow.

Not this week

2009-11-08T07:38:00.002-05:00

Due to other circumstances, one quite pleasant, the other not so much, there will be no picks this week. 2-3 last week. Must rush now, be good at school.

Week 9 "Certain Victory Edition" Picks

2009-10-29T04:42:00.002-04:00

+3 last week, and +3 for the year. Obviously those first 7 weeks were a mere warm-up for the gambling (right) portion of my brain to warm up. Now more than ever, not betting all your money on my picks would be economically psychopathic. Real estate, bonds, pyramid schemes are all get-rich-never plans compared to what your money can earn when you entrust it to me and my ability to predict the future of college football point spreads. There's no way failure or the law of averages apply here. "Regression to the Mean" is just something that losers believe in; and you're no loser. That's why you're here, and that's why immediately after this you'll withdraw several grand sums of currency and proceed to your nearest bookie. Because you're a winner.

Louisiana Tech

@ Idaho -3

I didn't believe in the Vandals prior to this season, but they've played well against better competition than Louisiana Tech. At home, they'll cover. It's inevitable.

Kansas

@ Texas Tech -6 1/2

Both teams are sliding, and with TT having what may be their first QB dilemma in Leach's tenure, the more-talented Jayhawks literally cannot fail to lose by more than 6 points.

Akron

@ Northern Illinois -12

NIU is a genuinely good football team, while Akron held my heart before the season, and the ravages of suspension and poor play took hold. If Akron's season were personified, it would be a 50-year old heroin addict, staring out the window in a hospital bed, just waiting a few more weeks to die. Which is why the Huskies will cover the large spread.

Georgia Tech -12

@ Vanderbilt

Vandy's just not good this year, and GT's just too powerful. No God will allow Vandy to cover.

West Virginia -3

@ South Florida

This is the time of the year when all of South Florida's hard work and poll-climbing fall to earth like so many mushy peas. I'm not sold on the Mountaineers season-long, but this game will be theirs. Like "The Drunkard's Walk," there's no way this book is well-written*.

*Take it, Leonard Mlodinow!

Week 8 picks

2009-10-24T07:58:00.003-04:00

Back to Even for the season. It's bedtime, I have to work tomorrow, let's go, and fast.

Oregon St.

@ USC -20 1/2

-I'm taking OSU. Revenge may push USC harder, but I just can't see the Beavers losing by this much.

Florida -22

@ Miss. St.

For the second week in a row, I don't think the Gators will cover. They've absolutely lost the #1 spot to Alabama, who, if I had to metaphorize them, would be the Death Star. Florida's #2 due mainly to their defense, which is missing a few parts this week. It shouldn't matter too much, as I imagine Florida's backups would start for almost any other team in the nation. Still, I can't guarantee that UF will score 22 in this one.

Auburn

@ LSU -7 1/2

I like Auburn to cover. I don't expect them to win, but I foresee a close game.

Central Michigan -9

@ Bowling Green

Yeah, I like CMU to really run over Bowling Green. At least by 9 1/2 points.

UAB

@ Marshall -7

I like the Herd this year and I'm not so high on the Blazers yet. I pick Marshall, in case that first sentence wasn't clear enough.

Week 7 picks

2009-10-15T14:54:00.003-04:00

3-2 last week, up to -2 on the year.

Cincinnati -2 1/2

@ South Florida

I'll take the Bearcats to cover against USF. B.J. Daniels is showing that there's life after Grothe, but that FSU win is looking less and less noteworthy. Cincinnati's just the better team with the better QB. At least for now.

Oklahoma

vs. Texas (neutral site) -3

I'm betting the Longhorns will cover. I just see them as the better team. If Oklahoma's O-Line struggled against BYU, DC Will Muschamp will find a way to make it worse on Saturday.

Nevada -9

@ Utah State

Not that Utah State is as awful as I thought they'd be; their record is poor, but they've been valiant in the face of superior talent, but Nevada looks like they're hitting their stride, and that's dangerous for any WAC team.

Marshall

@ West Virginia -21

WVU will win, in all likelihood, but 21 is too much for a Mountaineers team that won by 21 last week at Syracuse. Marshall is better than Syracuse, so I'm calling this line too high for WVU to cover. I get pretty scientific around here.

Arkansas

@ Florida -24

I hate doing the "I want Team X to win, but not by too much" game, but I want Florida to win, just not by 24. Which they shouldn't. Arkansas has a good, but not good enough offense, and Florida's lacking the big-play ability it had in years past. I don't think this is a "trap" game, especially since it has been noted as a potential "trap" game, and I have faith that the Gators will win, just not this handily.

Week 6 Picks

2009-10-10T09:40:00.002-04:00

Only mild disaster last week. 2-3. -3 for the year, and no, that's not golf-math.

Maryland

@ Wake Forest -12

I'm thinking the ACC's schizophrenic affliction will keep this one close. I'm not sold on either team, and this is a big spread.

UTEP -2

@ Memphis

I did favor Memphis on the basis that UTEP peaked way beyond they had any right to, but Memphis' record is too poor to consider them, though I wouldn't be stunned if Memphis pulled it off. Confidence!

Michigan

@ Iowa -8

I'd say this game is a toss-up; Iowa's not as good as their ranking, and Michigan is streaky as only an uber-talented Freshman-led team can be. 8 points is too much.

Arizona -3 1/2

@ Washington

Again, not smitten with this pick, but Wash. at home getting points looks good in a week without better options.

TCU - 10 1/2

@ Air Force

I can't see this one being close. It'll likely come down to the last drive, AF down by 16. Seems like that's been happening a lot since I actually started paying attention to such matters.

Week 5 picks

2009-10-03T09:10:00.003-04:00

1-4 last week. Thanks to Wash. St. for bailing me out. -2 for the year. Let's roll the die once again...

Tulane

@ Army -6 1/2

I'm not too excited about Army actually giving points to an opponent.

Central Michigan -8 1/2

@ Buffalo

I'm not positive that Buffalo can't rebound to challenge in the weak MAC East, but this game won't be the turnaround point.

Florida St. -4

@ Boston College

I'm on record as not thinking BC is good. Will I get burned two games in a row?

Auburn

@ Tennessee -2 1/2

I'd ask "really?" but I did that last week and got rolled.

Colorado St. -3 1/2

@ Idaho

History's on my side for this one, though personally, I wouldn't be upset to see the Vandals take one big step closer to bowl eligibility.

Week 4 picks & Bonus Early-Season Optimism

2009-09-26T06:41:00.007-04:00

Last week, we (we're in this together, you and I) went 4-1, and thus were spared a comprehensive limb-breaking from some of Seoul's most meticulously dressed drug-runners/bookies/pirated-DVD vendors.

I kid, of course. You can afford to have a lark when you're 2 up for the year. Well, time to remedy that.

Washington State

@ USC -45

I don't know if USC can score 45 in a game. This will be an ugly, hide-the-children blowout, but it'll be the kind that looks more horrifying in person than it does in the box score.

Washington

@ Stanford -8 1/2

I do not understand this line. Why is this what it is? Even based on the strength of Washington's performance against LSU, this line should've been lower. Maybe Vegas saw something they didn't like while the Huskies were beating the #3 ranked team in the nation. I really don't get this one, which should be a dog-whistle in your ears that a solid Stanford team will win by two touchdowns. I like the Cardinal, just not in this one.

Notre Dame -6 1/2

@ Purdue

Purdue's not that good this year. I would've put Nevada clearly above the Boilermakers, and Nevada didn't show punch against the Irish, losing by 35. I can't see this one being much closer.

UNLV -3 1/2

@ Wyoming

UNLV barely lost to Oregon St. for their only defeat. Wyoming edged Weber St. for their only win.

Wake Forest

@ Boston College -1 1/2

Boston College is cursed. I'm not high on Wake but at least they have a rudder. BC had no offense last week, and things can't improve too much in a single week when your opponent's level doesn't vary much.

Surprise (in a good way) teams of the early year:

1.)South Carolina, who's win on Thursday surprised everyone, but really shocked no one, as both they and Ole Miss seemed capable of playing as well as/as poor as the best/the averagest (not a real word) teams in the nation.

2.) Miami- Before the year, the talk was that if the Hurricanes just got through their first 4 games with a 2-2 record, they'd be a beast to reckon with in the ACC. They're 2-0, with a potentially season-defining jaunt to Blacksburg this weekend. Win, and the truly unthinkable will happen: they'll be favored against Oklahoma, Bradford or not.

3.) Washington- Had they fallen against USC, they'd still be here because they've shown competency, something lacking during all of the Willingham era, which puts his success elsewhere into more confusion. How can you succeed quite clearly at Stanford & Notre Dame, yet flummox so mightily at Washington? I know the knock on him was for his lack of recruiting, but he left Weis a Fiesta-Bowl caliber team. Is Weis that much better a coach than Willingham? Is Sarkesian? We'll find out should Jake Locker get hurt again.

4.) Auburn- Perhaps the best indicator of future success is the transfer of Coordinators. Last year, Auburn's offense looked to be the definition of impotency, and with OC Malzahn's hire, they're 3-0 and looked true beating the one solid team they've played (West Virginia). We'll see if they end up as an early-season mirage once SEC play gets underway.

5.) Michigan- Aside from Boston College, no team that had a worse offseason. I guess all that forced character-building paid off. That and getting quarterbacks that fit the system. They've passed one large test, the only question is how much of a dent they can make in the Big 10.

5 picks- week 3

2009-09-18T16:25:00.003-04:00

2 in the hole.

Florida St

@ BYU -8

I think BYU will win, but it'll be close.

Texas Tech

@ Texas -17 1/2

Ditto here. TT's offense should still be good, too good to outscore by 18.

Virginia

@ Southern Miss. -15 1/2

Too many points. I know it's the ACC and it's Virginia, but I just can't believe that a C-USA team (even a good one) is definitively this much better.

Cal

@ Minnesota -13 1/2

Take the Golden Bears, they're good. I do not have faith in the Golden Gophers. It's Bears against Gophers, people!

North Texas

@ Alabama -39 1/2

Good gravy, that's a spread. UNT seems better than expected, and Alabama will likely be without Julio Jones and RB Roy Upchurch. Just too many points.

I'm not touching Florida/ Tennessee, simply because I have no idea how brutal Urban Meyer wishes to be.

What I Think I Learned- Week 2

2009-09-18T16:08:00.003-04:00

Most critically, Pittsburgh is feisty this year. They could make a Big East run. Maybe.

Beyond that, Oklahoma State is still a year or two away from being a fully-baked contender. Houston, on the other hand, depending on how long Bradford misses, could have landed the most prestigious trophy-head adorning a mid-major's mantle. Still, if BYU goes undefeated, beating FSU and getting through the MWC, they'll be the first (and perhaps only) mid-major in the BCS.

If Tressel ever gets fired, last week's game could be the first sign of a fissure. Don't listen to me, I don't actually know anything. Read Chris Brown's vivisection of OSU.

Notre Dame isn't as good as I had feared, but Michigan looks to be pretty good this year. The UM-OSU game this year might actually be competitive.

My picks were rather awful. 1-4. Consider my thumbs taken.

Drinking and Fake Gambling Don't Mix...Or Do They?!

2009-09-12T10:43:00.004-04:00

Drinking 산사춘 in a smokey PC 방. Let's go.

Stanford
@ Wake Forest -3.

I'm not bullish on WF this year, and there's a parcity of good lines this week.

Iowa -6
@ Iowa State

Did you see last week? I'm willing to bet on the Cyclones at home over a team that needed a miracle to beat a 1-AA team.

UNC -4 1/2
@ UCONN

Again, just not bullish on UCONN this year, and UNC has been upping their talent level since Butch Davis took over.

Louisiana Tech
@ Navy -7 1/2

I like Navy on a quick turnaround for both teams.

Air Force
@ Minnesota -3

I hope Air Force ruins their new stadium forever. Nothing will wipe away the failure of this game. Again, I hope. Could be wrong....

Week 1 Results

2009-09-09T08:37:00.004-04:00

Lessons learned from Week One:

1.) Punching someone in the face after they've taunted & touched you first, thus invading your precious space & ego bubbles: season-long suspension

Taunting someone unnecessarily: a few extra sprints at practice, eternal internet .jpeg shame

Maybe the real lesson is that Chip Kelly is over his head. Anytime a legendary coach passes the baton, there are good odds that your program may never reach the same heights. Even with Phil Knight's backing, we may be entering the Oregon St. era.

It's absurd that a player can lose essentially, his career, for one punch, in a moment of fury and frustration. If this was a perfect storm of bad news for Kelly, equally true are those words for Blount. Had Ron Artest not charged the stands, and David Stern not levied such dramatic punishment on he and Jermaine O'Neal, I can't see Blount being out for the year. The recent precedent has been set, albeit in another sport. Even still, if Belotti were still the HC, and not in need of a whipcrack over the heads of his potentially (rumored) rebellions, Blount might have been back later in the year. If there were even a more prudent scoreboard operator, Blount might be facing just a few games out.

Half the season, I can understand and support. A full season is too much.

2.) Your offensive line may be important. Almost as critical as the people they protect. Bradford's injury alone made that point, but even before then, Oklahoma's vaunted offense of last year had barely put up 10 against the Cougars. BYU may've even won with Bradford still in the game. As much as they'll take the win, should BYU narrowly miss the BCS Championship game (still far off), they'll wish they had the cache of beating a Bradford-led team for 4 quarters.

3.) Staying in School is for losers. Ask Bradford and Gresham, the former out for at least 3 weeks, and Gresham for the year, with a knee injury that could impact how well he plays for his career. At least Bradford will likely rebound with no physical ill-effects, though it's probable that each lost a couple of million off their initial contracts.

4.) At least Penn St. looked good. Barring an upset of USC by the Buckeyes, it looks like Penn State is the only team that can match up against other national powers. Maybe. It was Akron, they were going up against. Presumably the path through the Big 10 will be thornier. Presumably.

5.)At least Buffalo won. My personal favorite conference, the MAC, had a rough week, as its best two teams lost in poor fashion. Central Michigan couldn't get going on Offense, while Western Michigan couldn't stop two Freshman QBs. Temple lost to a 1-AA school, Toledo got run all over on by Purdue, and my quiet surprise Akron got roughed up by the Nittany Lions. Not to mention last year's BCS contender Ball St. lost to last year's Sun Belt whipping boy North Texas.

6.) So how does one explain what happened at Stanford? Perhaps against my judgement, Tyrone Willingham really was an awful coach, as Washington took LSU deep into the 4th quarter before the game was put away. This may ultimately show that LSU is overrated, but for this week at least, the Huskies look to be far closer to their old glory than they have any realistic hope to be.

Personal: 3-2. Just missed on Central Michigan covering against Arizona, and whiffed on judging the offensive firepower of Auburn. Buffalo and Army won outright against the odds, and Ole Miss turned on the afterburners late to beat the spread. I get to keep my thumbs for another week.

If Betting on Sporting Events Were Legal Where I Was...

2009-09-05T11:26:00.003-04:00

5 matches that I feel I can predict accurately, and with mild or less anxiety:

Louisiana Tech

@ Auburn -14

I'm with the Bulldogs on this one. I just don't see Auburn's offense being capable enough of a 2-score spread cover yet. End of the year, they could be dynamic. But it's too soon for that.

Army

@ Eastern Michigan -3 1/2

I would have picked Army straight-up. I like Ellerson as a potential innovator, and their option should limit the chances that EMU has to score.

Buffalo

@ UTEP -9 1/2

Although Buffalo lost the best RB in it's history, James Starks to injury, not to mention their starting QB to the NFL, I can't quite envision those two losses and a home-field switch to swing things from a 42-17 Buffalo win last year to a 10-point UTEP win this year.

Central Michigan

@ Arizona -12 1/2

I really like Central Michigan this year, and I'm not too high on Arizona, who might be on the uprise, or might have reached their summit last year. Either way, they're not as good as they were last year, and while the Wildcats have a good shot at winning, it'll be closer than this.

Mississippi -17

@ Memphis

I can't see the Tigers keep pace with Ole Miss in this one. 17 points is too few, even though I think Ole Miss is a tad overrated.

Not Success

2009-09-05T10:49:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I didn't even get halfway to my goal of all 120 teams. I blame real-life, though my lack of time-management skills are more likely to blame. Let's condense:

Conference USA West Champ: Houston

Conference USA East Champ: East Carolina

Conference USA Champ: Houston

MAC East Champ: Akron

MAC West Champ: Central Michigan

MAC Champ: Central Michigan

Sun Belt Champ: Troy

WAC Champ: Boise State

Mountain West Champ: TCU

Big East Champ: West Virginia

Big 10 Champ: Ohio State

Pac-10 Champ: USC

SEC East Champ: Florida

SEC West Champ: Alabama

SEC Champ: Florida

Big 12 North Champ: Kansas

Big 12 South Champ: Texas

Big 12 Champ: Texas

ACC Coastal Champ: Georgia Tech

ACC Atlantic Champ: Florida State

ACC Champ: Georgia Tech

BCS Championship Game: Florida over Texas

Rose: USC over Ohio St.

Fiesta: California over Boise State

Sugar: Alabama over Notre Dame

Orange: Oklahoma over Georgia Tech

Or something to that effect. I'd be lying if I said I was smart regarding BCS selection laws.

Team #49 of 120- Western Michigan

2009-08-29T21:49:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Broncos; Location: Kalamazoo, MI; Conference: MAC West; '08 record: 9-4 (6-2, 3rd); Best Player: QB Tim Hiller

There's only 4 games on the docket that should give the Broncos trouble, but two of them are in-conference (the other 2 are Big 10 Michigan schools), so if they lose those two and Central Michigan is as good as they look, the Broncos will find themselves as a 8/9 win team sitting out the conference championship game. This year may be even more cruel, as the MAC East team will very likely be an inferior team to the Broncos. Western Michigan will reach a bowl game again, and will control their own destiny for the MAC crown, it's just that the true conference championship game will take place Oct. 17. instead of at the end of the season. The only concern is that only one defensive starter returns. That's a large concern, though.

Schedule:

@ Michigan-L

@Indiana-W

Miami (OH)-W

Hofstra-W

@Northern Illinois-W

@Toledo-W

Central Michigan-L

Buffalo-W

@ Kent St.-W

@ Michigan St.-L

@ Eastern Michigan-W

Ball St.-W

9-3, and unfortunately, no trip to Detroit.

song for '09-"Smile"-Quasi

Team #48 of 120- Toledo

2009-08-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Rockets; Location: Toledo, OH; Conference: MAC West; '08 record: 3-9 (2-6, 5th); Best Player: SS Barry Church

While new HC Todd Beckman has a lot of returning starters, that might not be such a great thing, since these guys went 3-9 last year, and their schedule looks to be just as hard this year as it was last year. It should also be noted that this is likely the first, and last time that a HC from the MAC beat Michigan in The Big House, and then got fired. Such was CFB last year.

Toledo's in a tough division, and things don't look like they'll improve too much. They may need a drastic overhaul of their roster in the near future to compete for the top spot.

Schedule:

@ Purdue-L

Colorado-L

Ohio St.-L

@ FIU-L

@ Ball St.-W

Western Michigan-L

Northern Illinois-L

Temple-L

@ Miami (OH)-W

@ Central Michigan-L

Eastern Michigan-W

@ Bowling Green-L

3-9, same as last year. Maybe they just need to wait for some of the better MAC QBs to graduate...

song for '09-"I Think I Need a New Heart"- The Magnetic Fields

Team #47 of 120- Bowling Green

2009-08-29T21:25:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Falcons; Conference: MAC East; '08 Record: 6-6 (4-4, 2nd); Location: Bowling Green, OH; Best Player: QB Tyler Sheehan

This was an up-and-down team last year. They beat Pitt., got reamed by Minnesota, held fairly tight with Boise St., and lost to Eastern Michigan. They brought in former Tennessee OC Dave Clawson to run things, and if he can get consistency from his inexperienced defense (only 3 returning starters), they could be in the MAC East mix as well.

Schedule:

Troy-L

@ Missouri-L

@ Marshall-L

Boise St.-L

Ohio-L

@ Kent State-W

@ Ball State-W

Central Michigan-L

@ Buffalo-L

@ Miami (OH)-W

Akron-L

Toledo-W

4-8, but a rough out-of-conference schedule makes that look far worse than it actually is.

song for '09- "Two Characters in Search of a Country Song"- The Magnetic Fields

Team #46 of 120- Akron

2009-08-29T21:13:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Zips; Location: Akron, OH; Conference: MAC East; '08 record: 5-7 (3-5, 4th); Best Player: WR Deryn Bowser

This team looks stocked on offense, as they return all but their RT, TE, and RB. If they get solid production from their new RB, this could be a breakout offense. They need their defense to step up if they want to be in the chase in the MAC East, which doesn't have a real clear leading team. Only returning 5 defensive players won't help. They also need to maintain their +6 turnover margin, and even with so many players returning on offense, that'll be a tough task.

Schedule:

@ Penn St.-L

Morgan St.-W

Indiana-L

@ Central Michigan-L

Ohio-W

@ Buffalo-W

@Syracuse-W

@ Northern Illinois-L

Kent State-W

Temple-W

@ Bowling Green-W

Eastern Michigan-W

8-4, and likely at least a 2nd-place MAC East finish.

song for '09-"Dream"- Dizzee Rascal

Team #45 of 120- Kent State

2009-08-29T21:00:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Golden Flashes; Location: Kent, OH; Conference: MAC East; '08 Record: 4-8 (3-5, 6th); Best Player: FS Brian Lainhart

They lost QB Julian Edelman, and anytime that's the way your season preview kicks off, that means you've got a slog ahead of you. They should still have a good running game, but even if this team improves overall, they've got a tougher schedule ahead of them. The good news is that they return 4 of 5 starters along the O-Line, and only G Mike Roder is a senior, so Kent St. could be building for next year, but this year could be ugly.

Schedule:

Coastal Carolina-W

@ Boston College-L

Iowa State-L

Miami (OH)-W

@ Baylor-L

Bowling Green-L

@ Eastern Michigan-L

@ Ohio-L

Western Michigan-L

@ Akron-L

@ Temple-W

Buffalo-L

3-9, and after 6 years, and more than 20 games under .500, perhaps a coaching change.

song for '09-"Heaven is Paved with Broken Glass"- XTC

Team #44 of 120- Maryland

2009-08-29T13:52:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Terrapins; Location: College Park, MD; Conference: ACC Atlantic; Record in '08: 8-5 (4-4, 3rd); Best Player: RB Da'Rel Scott

This team lost a Top-10 NFL Draft player, yet probably won't suffer record-wise since it looks like all other teams on their schedule will be down a tick as well (as I suppose, most teams will look on paper), and their turnover margin was -8, 97th in the league. They're likely to improve on that, especially as far as forcing turnovers, as they possess an all-senior secondary.

Schedule:

@ California-L

James Madison-W

Middle Tennessee St.-W

Rutgers-W

Clemson-L

@ Wake Forest-W

Virginia-W

@ Duke-W

@NC State-L

Virginia Tech-L

@ Florida St.-L

Boston College-W

7-5, same as last year's regular season record.

song for '09- "Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes"- They Might Be Giants

Team #43 of 120- Navy

2009-08-29T13:21:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Midshipmen; Conference: Independent; Location: Annapolis, MD; '08 Record: 8-5; Best Player: LB Ross Popisil

A Senior-heavy defense and a home game with Air Force means that this could be the last hurrah before Air Force starts re-dominating the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. Since Paul Johnson left for Georgia Tech, new HC Ken Niumatalolo has done a good job, but it remains to be seen if he can hold a program together. For the sake of tormenting the Irish, I certainly hope so.

Schedule:

@Ohio St.-L

Louisiana Tech-W

@ Pittsburgh-L

Western Kentucky-W

Air Force-W

@Rice-L

@SMU-W

Wake Forest-L

Temple-L

@Notre Dame-L

Delaware-W

@Hawaii-W

Army-W

7-5, and the Commander-In-Chief's Trophy. Enjoy it while it lasts.

song for'09-"The Middle"- Jimmy Eat World

Team #42 of 120- Kansas

2009-08-29T13:06:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Jayhawks; Conference: Big 12 North: '08 Record: 8-5 (4-4, 3rd); Location: Lawrence, KS; Best Player: QB Todd Reesing

This may end up being Kansas' last shot to make a bigger impact on the national CFB scene. They're one of the favorites in the Big 12 North, likely battling Nebraska for the top spot. Regardless of how they finish, the more important aspect of this season is that this is the last season for QB Todd Reesing. Once he moves on, there's no guarantee things will stay the same for Kansas. If Reesing ends up being the once-in-a-lifetime QBs that strike a program, things may not ever be as good for the Jayhawks. Savor the moment, Kansas fans.

Schedule:

Northern Colorado-W

@UTEP-W

Duke-W

Southern Miss-W

Iowa State-W

@Colorado-W

Oklahoma-L

@Texas Tech-W

@Kansas St.-W

Nebraska-W

@Texas-L

Missouri-W

10-2, and a trip to the Big 12 title game.

song for '09- "The Killing Moon"-Echo & The Bunnymen

Team #41 of 120- Arkansas

2009-08-29T12:48:00.003-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Razorbacks; Conference: SEC West; Location: Fayetteville, AR; '08 Record: 5-7 (2-6, 4th); Best Player: TE DJ Williams

Arkansas is if not a sleeping tiger, certainly a sleeping fierce alley cat. Already having been named this year's Ole Miss, it seems that they're ready for a breakout year, as HC Bobby Petrino has a potentially awesome triggerman for his system in QB Ryan Mallett.

Mallett signed with Michigan initially, then transferred when Rodriguez took over the Wolverine program, and implemented his system, which called for a running QB. Mallett is a tall gunslinger who's not made for eluding 250-pound linebackers, so he made the smart call and left.

Petrino left Louisville for the NFL, then bounced on the Atlanta Falcons when the team was down, following their QB being arrested for dogfighting (still can't believe I had/got to type that, easily the most disturbing/oddest sports scandal I've lived through). This team has a good deal of potential, a lot of returning starters, and a coach with a lot of college football success.

Schedule:

Missouri St.-W

Georgia-L

@Alabama-L

@Texas A&M-W

Auburn-W

@Florida-L

@Ole Miss-L

Eastern Michigan-W

South Carolina-L

Troy-W

Mississippi St.-W

@LSU-L

6-6, they'll get to a bowl, but a bit of a disappointment. If Petrino sticks around, this could be a dangerous team. I hate 1/3 of all SEC West teams.

song for '09- "Devil's Haircut"-Beck

Team #40 of 120- Utah State

2009-08-29T08:34:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Aggies; Location: Logan, UT; Conference: WAC; '08 record: 3-9 (3-5, 7th); Best Player: OLB Paul Igboeli

Good for anyone who choosed Utah St. over Utah. I'm a firm supporter of the underdog, and there's no bigger underdog than a program that hasn't had a winning record in over a decade and resides in the same state as a program that threatened to overturn the BCS system in one glorious season.

So glory to the Aggies! They've rejected all notions of success to attempt to lift a lifeless program from the scrap heap of all junk piles (bottom of WAC). Good on you.

Schedule:

@Utah-L

@Texas A&M-L

Southern Utah-W

@BYU-L

@New Mexico St. -W

Nevada-L

Louisiana Tech-L

@Fresno St.-L

@Hawaii-L

San Jose St.-L

Boise St.-L

@Idaho-L

2-10, sometimes doing a good deed is the best reward.

song for '09- "Heroes" -David Bowie

Team #39 of 120-Alabama

2009-08-29T07:54:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Crimson Tide; Location: Tuscaloosa, AL; Conference: SEC West; '08 record: 12-2 (8-0, 1st); Best Player: DT Terrence Cody

Sometimes I realize the limits of my own mind. When I was thinking of Alabama, I couldn't think of anyone outside of the state who didn't see this program as the pure, unyielding evil that it is. How can anyone look at Nick Saban and not see the cold, dead, underworldly look in his eyes? Can't you people see?! He has assembled an other-worldly gathering of demons and hellspawn focused on bringing a never-ending nightmare to CFB? Am I the only sane man in the universe?

See? Totally irrational. Yet, I cannot envision anyone outside of Alabama feeling otherwise. Am I a small man? No, you're right, it's everyone else.

Analysis: Their defense will be awesome, it's up to new QB Greg McElroy not to fuck things up (hint: thrown to Julio Jones), and for RB Mark Ingram to do what Glen Coffee did last year.

Good luck gentlemen, I wish you nothing but fiery hot failure.

Schedule:

Virginia Tech-W

Florida International-W

North Texas-W

Arkansas-W

@Kentucky-W

@Ole Miss-W

South Carolina-W

Tennessee-W

LSU-W

@Miss. St.-W

Chattanooga-W

@Auburn-W

12-0, setting up a re-match for the SEC and thus, a shot at the big crown....

song for '09- for the 32nd year in a row: "Deacon Blues"-Steely Dan

Team #38 of 120- Tulsa

2009-08-29T05:10:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Golden Hurricane; Location: Tulsa, OK; Conference: Conference USA West; '08 Record: 11-3 (7-1, 1st); Best Player: MLB Mike Bryan

Offensive Coordinator Guz Malzahn has flown off to Auburn, leaving a program that he guided to juggernaut status (2nd in scoring, 5th in rushing, 9th in passing, 1st overall) to prove they can do it without him. Tulsa has been in 3 of the last 4 C-USA Championship games, clearly they're a cromulent program, but top-to-bottom C-USA is the second best mid-major conference (MWC is first). Several teams could reach up and snatch the Golden Hurricane from their perch. Still, it's hard to believe that losing a coach that isn't even the HC could eviscerate a program, so while a stagger is to be expected, Tulsa should still be punching at the end of the season.

Schedule:

@Tulane-W

@New Mexico-W

@Oklahoma-L

Sam Houston St.-W

@Rice-W

Boise St.-L

@UTEP-W

SMU-W

Houston-W

East Carolina-L

@Southern Miss-L

Memphis-W

8-4, but half of those losses are due to their brutal out-of-conference schedule. Too bad Malzahn left, with him in pocket facing this schedule, there'd be some pre-season hype speculating that should they go undefeated, they could be in the National Championship. As it is, that hype has gone to BYU, in far smaller doses.

song for '09-"Gimme Some Lovin'"- Spencer Davis Group

Team #37 0f 120- Ball State

2009-08-29T04:18:00.002-04:00

Essentials- Nickname: Cardinals; Location: Muncie, IN; Conference: MAC West; '08 Record: 12-2 (8-1, 1st); Best Player: RB MiQuale Lewis

I'm not old enough yet to accurately detail all aspects of life, but I imagine that either through self-preservation or just blind ego, we can't tell when life is going to peak, and then crater. Sports, however...

Ball State had an unimaginably eventful year. Their best receiver suffered a career-ending (and he was lucky that was all it was) injury, they went undefeated in the regular season, only playing one game that ended in a one-possession margin of victory.

Then they faced Buffalo, they turned the ball over 5 times, the Bulls returned 2 fumbles for long TDs (74, 92) in the last 4 minutes of the 3rd quarter, and lost fairly convincingly.

Then HC Brady Hoke left for San Diego St., new HC Stan Parrish took over from the Offensive Coordinator slot, and the team got waxed by Tulsa in their bowl game. QB Nate Davis left for the NFL, and Ball State is left with memories of 12-0, boarding a plane to Detroit, on top of the world.

I pray that if I ever reach the equivalent of that in my life, something in my brain stops me from making the connection.

Schedule:

North Texas-W

New Hampshire-W

@Army-W

@Auburn-L

Toledo-L

@Temple-L

Bowling Green-L

@Eastern Michigan-W

Ohio-L

@Northern Illinois-L

Central Michigan-L

Western Michigan-L

4-8, but keep your head up. "This is America, and in America, you're never finished as long as you have a brain in your head, because all a man really needs is an idea."

song for '09- "Don't Have to Be So Sad"- Yo La Tengo

Team #36 of 120- Northern Illinois

2009-08-29T03:54:00.002-04:00

Essentials: Nickname- Huskies; Location- Dekalb, IL; Conference- MAC (West); '08 record- 6-7 (5-3, 4th) Best Player: G Jason Onyebuagu

Despite losing 2-time MAC MVP Larry English to the NFL, NIU should see a slight uptick in their record this year since their non-conference schedule gets easier, and Ball State has been reduced to a nubbin from a behemoth.

Also, QB Chandler Harnish was a freshman last year, so assumedly he'll make fewer mistakes this year, be more comfortable, etc. Since Harnish was the team's leading rusher (and passer) last year, NIU could have a lethal offense, especially returning their center and left side of the line. They could compete for the MAC West title should their defense rise up, but it just looks like they lost too much.

Schedule:

@ Wisconsin-L

Western Illinois-W

@ Purdue-L

Idaho-W

Western Michigan-L

@Toledo-W

@Miami (OH)-W

Akron-W

Eastern Michigan-W

Ball State-W

@Ohio-L

@Central Michigan-L

7-5. With other high-profile MAC QBs moving on, Harnish may lasso the spotlight in two years.

song for '09-"Someday We'll Be Together"- Diana Ross & The Supremes

Team #35 of 120- Michigan St.

2009-08-28T07:44:00.002-04:00

Essentials: Nickname- Spartans; Location- East Lansing, MI; Conference- Big 10; '08 Record- 9-4 (6-2, 3rd) Best Player- MLB Greg Jones

I don't understand why this is considered a Top-25 team. They lost all-world RB Javon Ringer, and seeing as he got nearly all the Spartan carries last year, I don't think they have another NFL-caliber RB this year. Throw in a new QB as well, and this team should be happy to be bowling at all. They may be on a better path, but they'll take a sharp detour this year.

Schedule:

Montana St.-W

Central Michigan-L

@Notre Dame-L

@Wisconsin-W

Michigan-W

@Illinois-L

Northwestern-L

Iowa-W

@Minnesota-W

Western Michigan-W

@Purdue-W

Penn St.-L

7-5, a decent-enough bowl, and something to build on.

song for '09- "Do I Disappoint You"- Rufus Wainwright